I Fell In Love With A
Meth Addict
by Jeremy Gloff
(This piece was written in August
2005. In October 2008 I realized I was ready to revisit it.
I began to re-write and revise but then stopped. This
must exist unedited as a testament to its time and place. I
was more naive. I was more dramatic. But I was in love.
If you need this story I hope it finds you.)
(July 13th through August 25th 2005)
i rarely ever write anything in my livejournal anymore, mostly because
i write this kinda crap in a personal journal...i strongly believe that
the most intimate thoughts and secrets are best kept in the privacy of
one's own mind...
and i'm really not into boring anyone with the mundane details of my
daily life...
so i just use this to promote my music and my shows and stuff...
and i have learned to value my privacy and close friendships very much
so in the last year....
but...
i'm so hurting right now that i've come to the point where my friends
are sick of hearing about it, i know what i need to do to be well, and
i just have to machete my way through the thick and terrible forest
that is called grieving...it's a horrible place to be...
anyone who knows me, or is even a casual fan of my music knows that
deep in my heart, underneath all the stupid sexual humor, and even
despite some of the questionable things i have chosen to do in the
past, i am one big old fat hopeless romantic. this does not
mesh well with my inability to choose worthwhile and healthy partners
for myself...
but my hopeless romantic took control of the steering wheel of my life
in december, and it's time for me to kick him out of the driver
seat. but how?
this is a really long piece. i highly doubt more than a couple
people will actually read the whole thing, but this is more for myself
than anything. i want to write it all down. and for those
who are interested, i want to take you on a tour of my life in the last
eight months. i never thought i'd be sitting here in august 2005,
feeling as i do...i am not going to spell check this...i don’t
want to read it. i don’t want to relive it again.
i cried so much in the last hour, my stomach feels like it's gonna pop
out of my throat. i never cried much. if anything, i was
much too stony of a person for my own good. my defense mechanisms
are so thick i used to worry that one would almost need a chainsaw to
get past all that "stuff". luckily, i have done the work that it
takes to finally work through some of that "stuff" on my own, and i am
confident that should the right person come along, they would not need
ten passcodes to get into my being...
but it seems i was hell-bent on fucking up ONE last time. you
just had to do it jeremy gloff, didn't you!
PART ONE: THE GOOD
(a.k.a. forcing fate)
there was a boy i simply adored when i lived in buffalo, way way way
back in a previous life, it feels like centuries ago... but i was
really sad back then and his friendship was like a beacon of light in a
dark time. we used to drive around for hours, and just talk and
talk and listen to music. and laugh. oh and we had sex
once. (thankfully his boyfriend never found out...) after i
left buffalo, we stayed in touch via letters. i never forgot his
little beautiful blue eyes and his big old toothy smile. even 3
years ago, when i song came on the radio that i knew we both loved, i
teared up and wondered, where the hell is he now? i hope he's
doing fucking awesome, cause he deserves to...
a year ago, i'd finally confronted a lot of issues that i needed to
work through, and part of that process for me was to reconnect with
people from my past. i had apologies to make, and i wanted to
either close doors for good, or re-open other ones. when i left
buffalo, i basically threw my address book into the river.
i thought about him from time to time. i even wrote a song about
him 3 years ago. it's a song...remembering my old friend...the
old times...him....
last year i found him, the boy with the blue eyes. i did a people
search, i paid seven dollars for it. up came 4 addressees, two in
new york and two in florida! how ironic, what if my old friend
happened to be living in the same city as me?! so i paid the $7
and got all 4 addresses. i wrote a short and sweet letter,
and sent it to all four places. a couple came back. i kinda
forgot about him, and the letters. "oh well", i thought "this
just wasn't meant to be..."
before i started shaving my head, i was a blonde, and it shows in my
forgetfulness sometimes. i left my cell phone at home one day
last december. on my outgoing message, i told people to call me
at work.
he called. i almost hit the floor.
he called!!! there was that fabulous voice, with the long island
accent. i got his number. "i am at work but i'll call you
later!!!"
i got home and called.
no call back.
i called twice more. no call back.
then life took over, and i went on a fantastic tour of the west
coast. my dream of setting foot on western american soil finally
came true, and my life here in tampa was temporarily on hold...
upon returning to the south, i called the boy one last time. i
decided to be crazy and goofy jeremy --- "hey boy it's jeremy, how are
you gonna move to tampa, then save up and move to portland with me if
you never call back?!?! Well I'm not calling you again, so either
call back, or take care!"
well he did call, a day later. we had about a ten second
conversation, i told him i had to see him. he said okay, let's
plan it. he said he'd call back and he didn't.
from january to june, i experienced a long string of very erratic phone
calls from the boy. i didn't get much information. for
awhile he was living above a funeral home, moving bodies but living for
free? or something? then he'd be gone for a month and not
call, and not return my calls. i was very confused, and perhaps a
bit in denial. maybe he's busy?
i wrote him this letter sometime during those months. i had to
send it to a friend’s parent’s address, which seemed kinda
shady. but the letter eventually got to him. i don’t
know how closely he read it?
Here it is:
Hey You,
Letters like this are sometimes hard for me to write. I have to
be in the exact right mind/frame zone to get into the part of myself
that writes these kinds of letters. And i’m not so much in
that zone right now. More than anything, i want to lay in my
comfortable bed and feel my fan blow on me and watch some cartoons or
cold case files on A and E. But I wanted to get this letter out
tonight, so I’m gonna force myself to dig inside myself and say
all the things we can’t say on the phone in our brief
conversations.
THe last time we really hung out, I wrecked my car. Strangely
enough, that is almost the day one life of mine ended and another life
began. I could go all in depth about how I lived in a closet that
summer, moved to Atlanta and hated it, lived in Pittsburgh for awhile,
yadda yadda yadda. I did my share of couch hopping and traveling,
and moving around. I ended up back in Buffalo area for awhile in
1998, and then in October 1998 I moved to Tampa, into the very same
apartment where I still live.
Tampa was a big change for me. As you know, the culture is much
different down here. But I kinda feel into a group of people who
were a bit higher income bracket than my NY friends...and it was
strange. And I started my waiting tables job at Busch Gardens and
all of a sudden I was doubling what I made in Buffalo working at
Arby’s all those years.
There’s a millions stories to tell about stuff I went through and
this and that, but it’s all been told so many times. I just
don’t have the energy to recap all that right now....if anything
I just want to forget most of it. Failed stabs at relationships, having
sex with all these lame people from online, friends that sucked for
awhile....blah blah blah....1998-2003....
Then in 2004 things kinda changed for me a lot. And that’s
what I want to write about. I want to let you have a glimpse of
who I am now. It’s strange, your interactions with me were
as the person dancing at Club Marcellas. So so long ago....
In 2004 I got the net out of my house and went into therapy. My
life was just spiraling completely out of control, and it had to
stop. So I spent a few months pretty much in seclusion, putting
myself back together. During that time, there was an era when I
just had to find certain people from my past. I had to know what
happened to them. I had to let them know what they meant to
me. I had to know if I meant anything to them. I had
apologies to give, and bridges to make, and some bridges to let go of
too.
I still don’t drink I still don’t do drugs at all. I
have never been drunk once in my life. But I did hold on to the
past too much...that was my drug... sometimes....
That letter I wrote to you, I really didn’t expect much to hear
back. In fact, shortly before you called me one of the ones I
sent to you came back. So I kind of filed you away in that mental
drawer of people I’d never talk to again. And I was
okay with that, this last year of my life has been very much about
moving on...
But then you called, and I was floored. I got to thinking about
you, and the nature of our friendship. We hung out a lot for a
very short amount of time. We messed around once. You were
involved in a relationship that was very important to you, so that one
night was most likely just you letting off steam. But that was a
time in my life before I could mess around with people and not care
about them.
I never cared about you TOO much. I didn’t let
myself. I knew in my heart you were way way off limits, and I put
up enough boundaries in my head and heart to not let myself fall too
deeply for you. But there were always the things about you that I
thought were so adorable...that fucking accent of yours....those eyes,
your smile. Your decadence. Your loyalty to your boyfriend
(even if you did stray that one time, you never let it happen again....)
And through the years for me, a lot of guys came and went. And to
be honest, I think most guys are really lame. Well not
lame, but I think a lot of people are really mean and selfish.
And on one hand, I find something I like in every single person
I’ll ever meet. But on the other hand, the more private
hand, I let myself get close and personal to very very very few people
anymore. I have a few very close friends, and after all the stuff
I have endured in my life, it is not very often I let people underneath
my protective layer....
You were someone I met and hung out with before I started really
building that protective layer...so that’s why I am being so
candid with you right now. To be honest, I wonder if all this
just completely sounds like babbling to you...but to me, emotions,
thoughts, experiences, talking, and communication are very
important. I’m a pretty intense person. I think a
lot. I analyze a lot. I’m a writer, it’s part
of my trade...
I wrote that song about you on my upcoming album 2 or 3 years ago....I
can’t remember now. And it was completely by
surprise. You would pass through my thoughts from time to
time....I would look for you online and never find you. But
I was sitting at my piano one day and the words just started coming to
me. ANd the memories and the feelings started coming back to
me. I have enclosed a copy of the song for you to hear, and
I’ll explain my lyrics for you....
You didn’t have the money to eat
but I loved my stars...like you loved your concrete
I rarely notice stars anymore ‘cause my city is bright
Memories in the country with you
-----
I remember sitting in Denny’s with you once and you were broke,
so I shared my chicken fingers with you. I was never really the
kind of person to share, so that was kind of a first for me. I
wasn’t really brought up to share, I was brought up to survive,
and usually that meant hoarding everything....
And those other lines, I remember driving in that car of mine out in
the country, and you saying how you were a city boy and how i was a
country boy....
Now at the age of 30 I still look up at the stars a lot less than I
used to at the age of 21, when I knew you. I think the part of me
that used to dream the way it did just had to go into
hibernation. I don’t want to say he’s dead, but right
now I am in a very business like state of mine. I am more about
actions than dreams.
the chorus:
I still see you, you’re dancing in a circle
I still see you, you smell like summertime
I still see you, you’re dancing in your blue
I could go back to club marcellas, right now, and go exactly to the
spot where you and I really started talking. ANd you had a royal
blue shirt on. This song makes me cry sometimes, and it makes
other people cry sometimes too. I have seen it in my
audience. This song is more about me, and it’s more than
just about you. It’s about trying to grab that something
amazing and frozen from way back in your past, a moment that’s
gone....a person that’s gone....even if I never see you again in
real life, I will always have that image of you dancing there forever
cemented in my head. It’s there forever....
Verse two:
Spent years worried I was losing my hair I didn’t care, that I
was losing my mind
In the midst of a decade with no name
All the progress we’ve made, nobody’s enslaved and
We keep missing them old days....
All that nonsense is pretty self explanatory. Our culture is in a
place where it’s okay to be gay and not get shot. I
can’t speak for you, but I know i’m living pretty
comfortably. I have money in the bank. I have income.
But no matter how great my life is today, yesterday, and (hopefully)
tomorrow, I’m always bittersweet for those old glory days.
And so many people are like that. In a way, I think we all
are. The sweetness and innocence of our early 20s is
irreplaceable. Houses, cars, checkbooks, adult love, stability,
can never match the joys of wild 20 year old abandon. And we will
always miss them old days....
Bridge:
Never ran to NY like everyone who thinks their city’s too small
Never wrote a manifest cause it wouldn’t change a thing
Never thought myself different in a song that’s probably been
written before
We’re all broken down and numbing up and we only wanted love
Baby we’re all broken down and numbing up and we only wanted love
But honey I’m so easy to find
So it’s time I stop lurking....
That bridge is more about me than anything else. I have seen a
lot of fashionista 20 year olds run for the big big cities, looking to
find salvation and the emerald city. And so many of these people
I knew who fled to the big city were just plain old boring
people. And a boring person is a boring person, no matter what
city you are in! The older I get, the more I wonder if i’d
just be happy eventually settling in a nice mountain town somewhere,
away from this lousy pop culture that’s getting worse and
worse. At my open mic on valentine’s day, I wondered
if in our culture love and sensuality had just been replaced by sex and
co-dependency in our modern age...?
Lately it seems it’s not our time anymore
They don’t play our songs anymore
And sometimes life stops shining
Well I hope that you never stopped shining...
This was the last verse added to the song, I added this passage shortly
before the album began recording. On the radio, all our old
favorites our gone. No more Shannon, no more Judy Torres, no more
Expose... It’s not our time anymore....there’s a new
generation, dancing to songs that will break their hearts in ten
years.... (I met Shannon, I’ll tell you the story someday.)
I know for me, at times life has definitely stopped shining.
There were suicidal years, slutty net addicted years, secluded years,
and only over the last couple of years have I really started
rebuilding.... In my visions of you, in this song, I hoped that
your bright face and smile were still shining and smiling....
When I met you you already seemed really kinda hard and guarded.
I know nothing of your past, but I always assumed things happened to
you when you were young that made you not really trust the world, and
that made you have to survive for yourself and really be your own best
friend. You were a really hard shell to crack, and even all those
times we hung out I never really felt like I got inside of your
head. And you were really really young back then, and as street
smart as you were then, I wonder what 8 more years of survival and life
experience has done to you....? You just seemed unbreakable, and
emotionally untouchable....and that’s not a bad thing.
The song ends with the same line repeated over and over....
Would you say that you missed me baby?
That’s just me screaming out to you, wherever in the world you
are. And it’s not just me screaming out to you, it’s
me screaming out to every boy I ever cared about. All these
years, when you’ve crossed my mind, have I ever crossed
yours? If someone asked you about me...would you say...that you
missed me?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So where am I now? Well I live in a really really fabulous
apartment in tampa that’s relatively cheap, and it’s in the
middle of a so/so neighborhood. I am going to list the things
about Tampa I love, and the things that I don’t love.
THE THINGS ABOUT TAMPA THAT I DON’T LOVE
1) The music and art scene here is pretty barren. There are no
record labels, management firms, and audiences here are pretty
indifferent and sometimes rude. Not my cup of tea.
2) No fall. No winter. Not enough cold! I am
kinda that morbid cloudy day kinda guy. Sure, during the summer
it rains here once a day, but that just isn’t enough. I
like those gloomy, all day cloudy kinda-days. ANd I like cold
weather a lot (I don’t like snow, that’s a different
story....) The heat doesn’t really bother me, cause
I’m not so much a go-out-in the afternoon kinda guy. I go
from my air conditioned car to my air conditioned
job/apartment.... I found the summers in buffalo to be much more
hot, because we were all too poor for AC like I have here...
3) It’s just plain old ugly. Strip malls
everywhere. White trash. Ghetto as fuck.
4) I only want to move one more time in my life, and I want to to be to
a place I love and can stay at for the long haul. I do love parts
of it here, but this can’t be forever for me. I have always
felt drawn to the west, to the mountains.... I have some pretty
firm roots planted here in tampa, and if I’m going to move, I
want to start my roots elsewhere before I get older....
THE THINGS ABOUT TAMPA I LOVE
1) my friends. they are great. we have fun. we cook
dinners. we play board games. we go on bike rides.
they come to my open mic every monday. they take care of
me. they support me. they understand me. they have
watch me grow over the last 7 years into the person I am now.
2) it’s cheap. I can afford my nice apartment and on top of
that, record expensive albums, buy cds, travel. I’m not
tied down at all.
3) my job. I like the people I work with, and I do
relatively well waiting tables. I have a really really junky car,
so if/when it dies, busch gardens is close enough for me to walk down
the street.
-------------------------------
so this is my plan. I know I have spoken to you on the phone
about how we could mountain climb together, and all this talk
about moving across country....
I just got back from touring the west coast. It was
fabulous. I love the fact that it gets cold and doesn’t
snow. But I didn’t like the fact that a lot of trendy
dumb-ass pseudo-intellectual fashionistas are flocking toward portland
and seattle. Fuck them.
do i want to move from tampa? Absoutely, eventually. I have
to finish making this album I am making here. This is the most
expensive album I have ever recorded, it’s not even close to
being done, and it’s cost me $2500 dollars so far. In the
end, it will be a $5000 album.... It is my strongest writing, and
my most commercial work. I really want to be SERIOUS about my
music with this album, so it has to be perfect. I have a great
bond and working relationship with the local musicians in tampa, and
with Atomic Audio studios. This album has to be finished and
pressed while I live in Tampa.
I am also working on my AA degree. It is something I started 10
years ago in NY...and I am but 3 classes from having it. I want
to finish that here. Wherever I move, I want to get a job waiting
tables, so my degree is for nothing but myself. I do hope to go
back to school and continue on to my BA when i eventually move....
My lease for my apartment is from May to May. I plan on resigning
my lease this may because i still have unfinished business here.
So the earliest I would be willing to leave here is may 2006, maybe may
2007.... I have to see what happens when this album is
done. That seems like a long time but...
I have done the quick move before. That has led me to either
a) be somewhere I hated eventually
or
b) left me with no money, and I had to go back to point A. I am
not a couch-hopping 20 year old anymore. My relocation is going
to be well researched, and very thought out and planned. For one
thing, I own A LOT of stuff. I have a ton of furniture. and
it’s very important to me that I have enough money to move it all
with me. I have done the punk thing and given all my stuff
away. I don’t want to do that again. I worked to
hard. I love my thrift store oddities and junk. I want to
basically just move my apartment across country. Which may take
4000 dollars, but i can deal with that. I am good at saving
money. Right now this album is taking a lot of my money....
I want to visit portland and seattle a couple times. I want a
better feel for the people. I am hearing things that make the
area seem kinda lame lately. I have a good life for myself in
Tampa, very comfortable, and if I played my cards right I could tour
from here and make a go of it that way....and move later on down the
line. But that’s just an option.
A trip to portland and seattle is a definite for me this summer.
I already have a plane ticket out there. After that second trip,
I will have a lot clearer idea if that area is a place I’d really
consider moving to. Like I said, leaving tampa is a 85% for sure
bet in my future, but where I go is going to have be good enough to be
BETTER than where I am now. I am happy where I am now. I
really am. But I know I have grown as a person as much as I
really can here. There’s stuff out there that I can’t
get here. And eventually it will be time to go and get that stuff.
This is a long letter. and It’s only saying part of the stuff
I’d probably want to say.
We have had a couple very short and bizarre phone conversations.
I have no idea who you are now. Or what you have done. Or
really what you are doing.
Do I want to see you again? Absolutely.
This next sentence is way out there, but why not? If you had
feelings for me, and my feelings for you stayed in tact after we met in
person, would I be willing to let you move in with me and be part of my
life? Absolutely, as long as you payed 1/4 the rent (hahaha $225
plus utilities honey!!!.)
In my fantasy imagination, do i have dreams of you moving here, and us
saving up enough money to get out of here together and live happily
ever after? Of course! Am I mature enough to know that
happily ever afters don’t really exist? ummm yea. And
that’s okay.
Would I help pay for you to get here? I know you are in a tight
spot. Of course I would. I care about you. You
managed to come into my heart during a time of my life when it was
still open a little. I hate men. I don’t trust anyone
really. It would be really hard for a new person to come along
and work their way into my good side. I’m guarded like that
now.
I keep to myself a lot these days. On mondays, I’m a very
public person. I run an open mic then go to the club and
I’m fabulous. I wear crazy outfits and perform. On
other nights, I sit home with my cats and do the crossword
puzzle. I have learned to balance a very public and a private
life. My goal with this new album is to get famous on at least
the underground college level. I think I can do it, but I have a
lot of work ahead of me. I’m scared of failure. I
have friends in L.A. who have couches I can stay on....I might have to
take them up on that. I have options.
This is a scary thing to say, but if any of the stuff in this letter
sits okay with you, I want you to know, that I’m an
option. My life here is an option for you to check
out. I know you did the Florida thing, but Miami and Tampa are
two separate worlds. You may be more miami, but for me, I know
i’m more tampa. Earthy. Working class. Old
scary lit up factories and desolate roads. I’ll miss
those when I leave here.
Well that pretty much is it. I’d like to hear from you, and
REALLY hear what you have gone through, and who you are now, and what
you are feeling etc etc. If this letter was too heavy for you, or
whatever, I won’t be offended if you disappear again. But
now you know how to find me, if and when you want to. I hope to
see you and hug you sometime in 2005. It would mean a lot to me.
Love,
Jeremy
somewhere in those months, we started toying with the idea of him
moving here. with me. at that point, i considered moving to
portland, and he said he'd come here, then we could move there
together. fuck YES! this fucking awesome friend from my
past, coming back into my life, and we were gonna do this TOGETHER, as
a team...
our conversations were brief and spread out. i gathered that he
had a boyfriend, who was a drug dealer. i gathered that he wanted
to come to tampa and to get off drugs...
i told him things about me. i told him i don't really like clubs, or
mainstream gay people, or drinking, or drugs AT ALL. i told him i
got upset with a friend of mine made pot brownies. he told me he
didn't even want to be around people who drank...
i found out more about him. i found out he was huge into ebay,
and so was i! how perfect. i had these visions of us
sitting at my computer, bidding on awesome CDS together, and selling
stuff too. could this get any more perfect?
i remember him telling me, jeremy, i won't make many friends.
it'll just be us, once i get my own place you can come over every night
and we'll just hang out and watch movies....
sometime in may, i went to my friend heather's and hunter's
house. we listened to my new album front to back, then went to
get some drinks at the grocery store... i saw this really cute
salad bowl...and i HAD to have it...i had visions of me cooking some
really good dinners (mind you i can't cook at all!!) and serving our
salad in that cute bowl...the planning was happening...
and the plans started getting more serious...
i told him i'd DRIVE to buffalo to get him. and his stuff.
i wanted him here. with me.
i told him it would be really hard at first, because i can be an
intense person. i told him to have patience...
he said...okay...he would...
but we set ground rules. he was coming out of a bad relationship,
so he did NOT want a boyfriend, or sex, or anything like that. he
said, he just needed a best friend.
okay, i agreed. i told him NO DRUGS.
it was set....
he sent me photos of himself. he looked great, in my
opinion. older. gone was the raver kid i knew...and it
appeared he had evolved into a mature looking man. facial hair, a
more conservative style...i was impressed and happy. i too have
grown and changed a lot through the years, and it was comforting to see
my friend had also changed and it appeared he had matured a lot.
(i ignored it on the phone when he claimed to still look 17...i balked,
why the obsession with looking young? i am happy to be 30 my 20s
were awful...)
july approached. i spent $800 fixing my car, and i was going to
drive and get him. i remember working 14 hour days, just trying to
stack up my bank account.
his calls became more frequent, and it was decided. he'd fly
down. he'd get a job right away, even if it meant working at a
gas station down the street.
i was so FUCKING ELATED. i cleaned my room. i cleaned out
my closet. i cleaned out my bookcase. i made room for him
in my life, in my room, and in my dresser. i emptied two drawers
worth of stuff, so he'd have room for his socks and stuff... i
got rid of that second keyboard i never played. i got rid of that
small practice amp i let vic borrow once... who needed all
that frivolous material stuff, especially with a new friend living
here, and with our plans to eventually move....
he said it: "jeremy, this is going to be PERFECT"
i agreed.
and honestly, i totally believed it, with all my fucking heart. i
knew, from january, that he was coming. i knew it in my
guts. i am usually pretty keen on intuition...and those months at
a time when he didn't call i'd get really sad, because i wondered if my
ability to KNOW things was gone. i asked all my friends "do you
think he's coming." they said no. but i knew he was.
i KNEW HE WAS.
my car is ready. my room is ready. my life is ready.
my heart is ready.
but i said to myself "careful gloff, no boyfriend stuff." and i
was okay with that, i knew it would be hard, but i just wanted someone
to share life with, and if it was an old friend i really adored, so be
it...
the time frame narrows....he decides he wants to fly down the first
couple weeks of july. awesome. we start talking a bit
more...
one conversation, he tells me something he hadn't told me before.
he told me he was in the hospital earlier this year, because he had a
stroke, drug induced. "whoooa" i thought...doesn't this change
things?
i wondered if his drug problem was worse than he was letting on...
....so i confronted him. "jeremy, i would not move there if i
thought i couldn't clean up. i wouldn't do that to you..."
phew! glad that's okay. ??
i was at work when the final date was set. i loved checking my
phone at work. i would always look forward to his calls. when he
called, when i heard that long island accent on my voice mail, it just
put a big old fucking smile on my face. i'd go downstairs, leave
my tables (i wait tables), take a leak, and look in the mirror and
smile. i couldn't wait for my buddy to be here!
i was leaving my job and it was dark. "jeremy, once you get home
let's book the flight!"
FUCK YEA!
the week came
3 days before...
i'm at this fucking godawful jock bar with my friends from work...green
iguana. we text message back and forth...and he asks me to call
him. i call him. he gets my address so he can put in his
change of address form and mail down some boxes...things are starting
to get serious and i'm thrilled...i will always remember hearing that
"hollaback girl" song for the first time that night...he told me to
have fun with "the meatnecks". heh...
the day came.
i remember the day of his arrival. it was really fucking
hot. i was listening to this janet jackson japanese remix import
cd all afternoon. "alright"
"friends come, friends may go
good friend, you're true i know
true self you have shown
you're alright with me..."
i was scared...nervous...
around 7 PM i went to eat at pizza hut with my mom. my stomach
was in my throat. he hadn't seen me in EIGHT fucking years.
my insecurities were chewing off my neck. what if he thinks i'm
ugly? what if he doesn't like me? (of course, never once
worried about if i'd like him or not...honey he sent photos, he looked
good...)
10PM-- go to the movies with scotty and erin. i didn't even
BELIEVE he'd come, because he was so erratic all those months. i
thought maybe he'd pull out at the last minute. but once he
called from THE OTHER SIDE of the airport gate, i knew my friend was on
HIS FUCKING WAY! yeaaaah!
so batman begins starts at 10. he calls at 10:30. he's in
atlanta. he's close!
he's excited! i am a bundle of nerves...so much buildup.
the day was finally here...
i really don't think my friends had any idea just how much i had my
heart set on this whole thing happening. and i don't think anyone
knew how much i truly BELIEVED this was going to be fabulous.
honestly, for once i couldn't forsee the future. usually, i have
an inkling of how things are going to happen. i had no
idea...when i thought of the future with my friend here, i only saw
grey...
i had to leave the movie early, at 11:45. those last 15 minutes,
i looked at my phone every 30 seconds...must have been. the
moment was getting closer...i was finally going to see the boy i
wondered about for years and years...
driving to the airport...i listened to the song i wrote about him over
and over...it's recorded now...it's my favorite song...
it was like a fucking FAIRY TALE.
my romantic heart couldn't believe this was happening!
you lose touch of an old friend
you write a song about him
you get back in touch
you hit it off
he MOVES in after 8 years...
it was so like the movies. happily ever after. NO NO NO i
wasn't going to be his boyfriend, but finally, a real live soul mate...
i literally pinch myself when i am driving, and smile...
i was shaking in my shoes as i walked into the airport. i swear
my throat had swelled, and i could barely breathe! I was so
freaking nervous! i almost wanted to take a friend, but i decided
it was important i went on my own...this was my own personal reunion...
and if we were going to move to portland together...i mean...i HAD to
meet him on my own!
------
i talk to james on the phone...
-----
and
-----
there he is!! OH MY FUCKING GOD
there he is!!!!
right in front of me...
he's hugging me now...
i am touching him, this old friend of mine, that i missed so much...
he said i looked no different than when i lived in buffalo. heh i
got a little testy...when i lived in buffalo i was a dirty punk
kid...who only took like 4 showers that year. HAH christ
almighty, PLEEEEASE don't tell me i haven't changed lol.
we laugh. we smile. we walk to get the luggage. we
push eachother on the luggage rack...we make fun of what people are
wearing. we sing along with annie lennox on the airport radio.
inside my soul, i let out a collective sigh of relief. he's here.
i was right. i knew he was coming. fuck everyone who didn't
believe. here he was. here WE were.
i joke with him on the way to the car...he said something to the effect
that "i look good don't I?" and i said "honey, i don't know if i can
fit you, your luggage, AND your ego into the car"
hardy har har
i drive him to the top of the parking garage to look at the tampa
skyline. it's fabulous up there. i said "here is your new
city. welcome...."
we drive around and he's raring to go! he wants to DO
STUFF. blah i was tired. i was grouchy that week. all
the buildup for him coming, and me dealing with my low self esteem and
self doubt all week had WORN ME THE FUCK OUT. i don't get it, i
am perfectly confident dealing with people i meet in the here and now,
but i was so scared of being approved by this ghost from years ago...
we stop by sacred grounds...no one's there....
we go to taco bell...we go home. to my home. to OUR home...
he likes the apartment. i was happy. he made me nervous
cause he walked around while he ate, and i like to sit down at the
table and make it an official meal...oh well, people have differences
right?
we chat for a bit then go to sleep in my room...i had trouble
sleeping. i kept looking over, amazed this kid was here, in my
bed...
but eventually, i fell asleep. i remember waking up in the morning, and
his head was on my shoulder, by accident i'm sure. we all move in
our sleep. but his head was there, and BOTH of my cats were
sleeping with us. biscuit and loosey... they NEVER
come on the bed together. i looked at him. i looked at
them. i looked around my fabulous room. i took in a deep
breath...life doesn't get ANY better than this i told myself.
i went to the post office and he slept...
when he woke up, i told him i'd drive him around the city...
i remember being really tense and kind of full of negativity this
day...i'm not sure why. i think i just wanted to cocoon him and
i...finally my pal was here...i just wanted to bask in the
wonderfulness that our friendship was going to be...
so i made us a lunch. a nice picnic lunch. i made
sandwiches, and bought snacks...and i took him to one of my favorite
hidden parks in tampa...
and there we were...at the water. i looked at him. he was
fabulous. i looked at US...WE WERE FABULOUS...
he was so thrilled to be by the water again...he missed it. he
told me loved the water when he lived in miami...i was so happy to
bring him close to the water he loved...again...
i drove him into st pete...i drove him over the skyway. i DO love
this city...this city i have lived in since 1998. so it's not the
artsiest city, and it's hot. this city has, for better or worse,
taken me into its arms, and helped me grow into the adult i am...and i
am grateful for that...
we get back to the house and change out of our afternoon clothes...i
give him a noxema face mask and wash off that wonderful happy face of
his...it was my pleasure...
i jump in the shower and ask him to join me. he does.
nothing sexual happens...i wash his back and he washes mine...
i will never forget washing his back. it was so soft, and
smooth. i touched every inch of that pretty back of his...it was
so nice to see him naked again, it was such a warm and comfortable
feeling for me...
my lovely roommate cooked us a nice dinner, and we all really hit it
off. i love the grocery store, and i remember it being yet
ANOTHER surreal moment...us all shopping together, in tampa
florida. this boy from buffalo, 1996 shopping with me. he
didn't like chocolate snacks, so i got us the vanilla. i was
willing to compromise...chocolate is my favorite but i don't mind
vanilla...
(it only got on my nerves a tiny bit that as my roomate and i paid for
the food, he disappeared to buy 'smokes' and go chat on the phone
outside).
after eating, we all watched “GRUMPY OLD MEN”--- the most
poignant part of the movie is when that old Hoagy Charmichael song
comes on “I Get Along Without You Very Well.” Carly
Simon covers that song on her TORCH album, and it tears me apart every
time i hear it...i’ll never forget hearing that song, in that
movie
later on that night we all 3 went down to bayshore blvd. i was a
little edgy, but i had only slept maybe 2 or 3 hours the night
before. this whole ordeal was so fucking exciting to me, but
excitement is draining and stressful just the same...
i remember...watching him walk my roommate's dog. he stood so
straight and he smiled. it was on bayshore, the night i went
jogging with friends back in december, that we first made plans for him
to move here...
...and...here he was...walking my roommate's dog ginger...
(later on in my memory, i may choose to forget that red tide was in,
and it really stunk down on bayshore that night...)
we get home. a tiny bit of awkwardness occurs when we have our
first debate. he starts talking about how he likes "dirty big
black men" and "dirty big spanish men who treat him bad." it
makes me sad to hear this coming from his beautiful mouth. honey,
you aren't trash...you are the person in the world i adore
most... but it doesn't stop there...he talks more about how when
he lived in miami, he prostituted a few times for a thrill...
now, i am not to judge anyone. i can fully understand and even
respect a person's desire to flirt with the dark side of
existence. perhaps, even sometimes it is healthy and normal to
challenge the norms and to take yourself into forbidden
territory. he told me if he didn't find a job he was going to
escort, and that i couldn't be upset about that. i bomb exploded
inside of me...i tell him i don't want him doing that in my house...
"i'm just joking jeremy"....
"oh"
we rent a movie and watch it in my bed. he tells me he's horny,
and i joke around and tell him i will uh, you know, at 3 am i’ll
take care of that.
he keeps looking at the clock. i ask him what's up. "just
wondering if it's 3 o'clock yet?"
the lights go off, and we get intimate. it was so comfortable for
me...his body felt really familiar...even though i had only touched it
once and that was 8 years ago. i remember how it felt...it was
nice to be that close to that body again...
i sleep for a few hours then notice he's gone...hmmm must have gone to
watch tv? laying there in the silence, i miss his body in my bed,
but i sleep contently...
when i wake in the morning, though, he is back in my bed. i
really like waking up with a warm body close to mine. i loved
everything about him...he had this very distinct smell that permeated
all this clothes, his body, his existence...
so day one was awesome...once again, i only got 2 or 3 hours of sleep
though, which puts me at 6 hours of sleep in three days...
i have to work at 11:15 and i remember being really sad and edgy at
work. now i am a person who has always had my own space, and i
was prepared to be completely freaked out and a bit crazed when i
opened it up to someone... i would imagine moving in with a long
term boyfriend is quite an adjustment. imagine letting someone
completely have access to your space...someone you hadn't seen in 8
years, but adore...? it was a shock to the system, and i think
the fact i was on edge day 2 makes sense... i am used to MY music
on MY cd player all the time. but i was very democratic with my
friend. when driving, we took 3 songs each. while in my
room, we took turns on the cd player. and i didn't mind. in
fact, i quite enjoyed being liberated from my complete independence...
i go to work, and when i get home, he was still sleeping... he
said he was having trouble sleeping, because he was withdrawing from
the drugs... he said he took paxil every night for months to
sleep, and sleeping without it was very hard for him... i was so
proud of my friend. i have overcome addiction in the past, and
it's a really hard dark road. i was ready to walk down that road
with him...for better or worse...
i took a nap when i got home from work, and he went downstairs and hung
out with my roommates. when he came upstairs i asked him if it
was 3 o'clock, which became the lingo for us messing around. it
was in fact "3 o'clock" and we messed around again. life was
kinda close to perfect...
we went for a walk in the night, down by the river. i call it the
"cursed" walk, because every person i bring down to my little place on
the river, i end up fighting with.
this guy eddie i almost dated...things went bad after i took him to my
spot
after i took my mom to the spot, we had a huge blow out that lasted
months...
this guy keith, we are no longer friends, and i took him to the river...
and mind you, i don't really argue with that many people, and i tend to
hold onto friendships. so things falling through in bad way is
more the exception for me than the norm...
but the view is so gorgeous, we walked down there...we walked to the
7-11 and talked. i did most the talking. for the first
time, i kinda felt like the stuff i was saying was getting on his
nerves...
he asked if i minded if he littered, he wanted to throw down all his
bottles and wrappers. “no!” i exclaimed “a lot
of people don’t respect this city, but i love this city.
you have to love it too...”
i was talking about my past. i was talking about
psychology. i was talking about the benefits of seeing a
therapist. he disagreed with all my points. he said it was
pointless to explore your past, than things in the past have nothing to
do with your present really... he claims, that he is just happy all the
time, and things don't really bother him. i envied this. i
wondered...is it simplicity? how can someone just live in the
moment...and not know the benefits of exploring your psyche, and
recognizing unhealthy patterns, then breaking them? hmmm...it's
starting to become obvious that we are a bit less on the same page than
i had originally hoped... hmmm....
when we get back to the house he gets on my computer and logs onto
gay.com. i veto that idea...i had some dark days in my past
involving that stupid website, and in my opinion it's only a place to
let low self esteem run amok. and here i wonder? was i too
controlling? it was hard for me to watch someone i really
respected and was pulling for to tap into that dark, sick world that is
gay.com. people have spoken to me of gay.com success
stories. i have yet to see one in action... all i've seen
is a lot of lonely people who either a) were horny OR b) were
gross club gay "bois"---i dunno, just not my thing. i didn't want
it in my realm. i worked hard to get that kind of stuff OUT of my
realm--logging into gay.com now i realize i am grossly out of place
there, and i cherish that. and my friend logging on to gay.com
kinda caught me off guard...wasn't it he who said he didn't like to
associate with mainstream gay people at all? hmmmm??
we go to bed. i notice him leave my bed, and go downstairs.
my eyes are wide open. although i am off the next day (monday),
my alarm is set for 11. we are gonna do job interview stuff, and
get his resume printed etc.
2 am he does not return to bed
3 am he does not return to bed
4 am he does not return to bed
so i have a stranger in my house, getting off drugs, (cocaine i guess)
who isn't in my room. i feel a bit controlling, sure, but
rightfully so maybe?
5 am he doesn't return to bed...
i go downstairs and he's watching tv...
he said he is having bad withdrawl and shaking really bad. my
heart goes out, and i bring downstairs my blanket and pillow
"you are making a huge change in your life, and i don't want you to be
alone when you do it." so i laid there with him in silence,
watching tv, as his body shook...
i feel spontaneous...let's go eat! so we go through mcdonald's
drivethrough in the wee of the morning...then come back and eat
it. back to the couch downstairs...
finally i had enough and i go back up to my room. "come up when
you are ready..."
6 am he doesn't return to bed
7 am he doesn't return to bed
8 am...and i'm starting to feel a bit crazed...
granted, i think the lack of sleep and the wild adjustments in my life
were making me completely irrational. i knew it. i knew i
was in trouble... i run outside...i get in my car and drive
around the parking lot. i call my friend heather....she's
sleeping... i go back to my room. i see all his stuff...he
stuff all over my room. i start to boil. i go downstairs,
and there he is, snoring, comfortable.
9 am...he's still sleeping
10 am....still sleeping
finally 11 comes, when i was supposed to wake him up. i do wake
him up, and he requests that i let him sleep another hour. "i
feel i have done enough for you already" i say to him, and storm
upstairs.
i am uncomfortable writing this part of the story. i feel the way
i behaved this morning was uncalled for, and i will take accountability
for it. i go back downstairs and tell him we need to talk
i begin with "i know i'm being COMPLETELY irrational, i am
exhausted...so please take nothing i say too seriously...but my room
and my life seemed so empty before you got here...now that you are
here, with all your stuff all over my room...it seems ten times more
empty when your stuff is here but you're not..."
he says..."okay..." then i tell him, when he wanders to the store
by himself, i get paranoid he's buying drugs... i tell him i
think it's important for us to communicate our fears and issues with
each other...he says "okay."
i ask him if he’ll hold me once a day, cause i just want to be
held
he says “okay” then lets me lay in his arms for about ten
minutes....it was nice....even though i had a feeling i’d forced
the moment...i wondered if he really liked hugging me or was just going
through the motions....oh well? i ask him “does it bother
you that i want to be held?”
“no” he says “it’s cool, you just like
affection”....
so everything seems okay...i am probably overly apologetic for my
behavor, but i know i was a bit loopy and i didn't want to scare
him... i put him on the phone with my best friend, and she tells
him to have patience with me. he says he will...
we go to the beach monday afternoon. now i have never been much
of a beach person, but once i get in the water, i felt great. for
the first time in months, my problems left me mentally. it felt
so nice to be floating in the water, with him. he went back to
our blanket, and i just stayed in the water for a long time, thinking,
singing in my head, relaxing. things are starting to get a bit
more complicated than i planned, but it's okay. i look to the
shore and there he is, my friend. he smiles, and smile back...
it was a long afternoon. i go to the school to get my student
loan, and i have to wait an hour and a half in my wet beach clothes, in
air conditioning. i'm so cold and tired. i'd gotten NO
sleep that night, and it was a really rough morning. my friend
doesn't mind the wait, he wanders ybor city and talks on his
phone...
his resume won't print...so once we get back home i type him a new
one...
we shower together again...
and then get ready for my open mic...
i run an open mic every monday, and i was dreading going this monday
more than usual. i was so negative this week...all i wanted to do
was be with my friend and talk to him and experience listening to bad
80s music with him. him and i both loved that 80s pop...
i remember making us dinner that night...you can see through to the
patio from my kitchen...and every time i'd look out there he'd be
looking back at me and he'd give me that goofy fucking smile...oh melt
melt melt. and i did. this was a bit rougher than i
expected, but no regrets...
before open mic, i remember sitting in my living room with my
acoustic. i started playing old songs we both love, and we sang
them together. lil susy, tiffany, crystal waters, cece penniston,
on my acoustic. him and i....it was a lot of fun...a night i
won’t forget. me on the chair and him on the couch....me
and my voice and him and his voice...
“take me...take me in your arms....and never let me go....”
upon arriving to my open mic, i had a huge smile on my face. i
finally got to introduce EVERYONE to this guy i’d been talking
about for months. i talked about him to friends for months.
i talked about him on that very stage for months. i talked about
him to my therapist for months. i talked about him to my
psychology class for months. i really thought this fucker ruled,
and i wanted to world to know it. and there he was. sitting
on those high black chairs, and me on stage....
when it came time for me to sing, i think i was a bit raw and full of
nerves. i started with “be careful darrell” but then
went into two cover songs: stevie nicks’ “blue denim”
and madonna’s “angel”.
after that i asked the audience what i should play....and there was a
bunch of yelling for “dancing in your blue”
which is...the song
...his song....
someone requested i tell the story, this fabulously off kilter story,
and i did...
i told the story about an old friend i’d lost touch with
and how we got back in touch
and how i wrote a song about him when i never thought i’d see him
again...
and how we stayed in touch...
and how...
he had moved in with me 3 days earlier....
a collective sigh went through the audience. it really was a
MOMENT....stuff like this doesn’t really happen every
day.
so i started singing the song...to him
this boy i never thought i’d see again....and i sang the song i
wrote about HIM to him....it was perhaps the hardest performance of my
life....in that....i was so close to crying the whole time...
and it got harder as the song went on
“honey i’m so easy to find....” and there he was
“well i hope that you never stopped shining” -- and there
he was, glowing before me...
and the end...
“would you say that you missed me baby....”
as the last chord rang out, i started crying
and crying
and crying
like i never had in public before. all those years of a frozen
heart, frozen emotions all melting...
i took one look at my friends lea and eric in the audience....and i
realized
...just how much i love my friends
and how much i love my open mic
and how much i love my life....
i walk up to HIM and hold him, in front of everyone. he has that
huge smile on his face, and he tells me it was “awkward but
nice....”
we then go outside...and sit on the steps....i give him a huge hug and
tell him “you mean to much to me” which he replies
with “you mean so much to me too, you’re a good
kid....”
the rest of the night is a blur. i cried off and on the whole
night, and lea and i went outside and cried for about ten
minutes. i was one of the most intense, emotionally vulnerable
nights of my life i can remember....
i remember walking out of sacred grounds completely drained and
confused. what did the future hold?
we decided to call it an early night, because we had to wake up the
next day at 7 am to do some job interview stuff...
he sleeps on the floor, cause my bed is hard. and that’s
okay with me...i sleep better alone anyhow....
morning comes, i’m not grouchy at all surprisingly...and we get
up. he gets dressed up in his job interview gear and he just
looks so put together and professional to me. i am in complete
adoration with this character...
we drive to the interview, and i drop him off...just barely making the
8:30 am time...
i didn’t pick him up from the interview until 12:30, but
retelling the story of what i did on that morning alone makes me really
sad-----
i went home, and i cleaned my bathroom, and got rid of a bunch of junk
i didn't need anymore....i scrubbed the tub so we could take a bubble
bath!
i made a file in my file cabinet with his name, so he had a place to
file all his bills....
i vaccumned the floor so there would be no cat hair around while he
slept...
and the part that makes me the saddest...
when i went to k-mart to make him his key.
now i may have mentioned earlier, but i get pretty sentimental when i
go to that k-mart in the first place. it was there i got my first bed,
after sleeping on the floor punk-style for years. i put my life
back together shopping at that k-mart....
and i bought him his key to my apartment there, too.
i made a little note to him
“welcome to your new life, love jeremy” and taped the key
to the note. and folded it up like a little note in high
school....
i went home, laid down for a bit, and he finally called for me to pick
him up at 12:30. I will never forget that car ride in my
life. the green on the trees never seemed as green, and the sun
was bright and happy. all the bushes and flowers illuminated like
never before... i was listening to 10,000 maniacs “our time
in eden” cd...and it was just one of those perfect car
rides. windows down, music up, smile present.
i saw him waiting by the road. that little vagabond, blonde hair,
big smile. tie and dress shirt on. i did a big u-turn and pulled
up to the curb, natalie merchant singing at the top of her
lungs---”theeeeeeeeeeeese are daysssssssss to
remember............”
he chatted excitedly about the job, and i decided a little celebratory
lunch was in check. so to little ceaser’s we went...
and we sat in my sunlit dining room and ate pizza, and the future
almost seemed as bright as the afternoon... i had to go to work
at 4, and he was going to spend the afternoon with some gentlemen he
met on roommates.com prior to moving to tampa....
all was well....
i laid in my bed to take a nap, and he got his backpack ready for his
day off with this new friend. he was excited---supposedly this
guy had a lot of job connections, and he was going to show him all over
the city....
i laid in my bed, and he climbed on top of me and kissed me on the
cheek---saying “jeremy, you are a great friend...”
i watched him leave, 2pm, tuesday afternoon....
....and things....would never be the same....
PART TWO: THE BAD
(a.k.a watching a dream crumble faster than the speed of life)
i looked out the window as i was about to leave for work. oh
crap, it’s gonna rain. it’s gonna rain HARD.
and just my luck, i left my freaking umbrella at work the day
before. well, might as well make a run for it....
i run to my car....damnit, i got wet. and getting wet for me
isn’t fun. my excema acts up, and then my feet itch, then i
itch them, then they get bloody, and, oh let me stop before this
becomes a horror story...
i drove slow...i had to be at work at 4 and i was a bit early.
perhaps the rain would let up before i had to report for my shift....
i get into the parking garage, quarter to four. the rain is
WORSE. the lightening is out of control, and the thunder is
rumbling loudly overhead. great, what an afternoon....
the minutes tick. i go into my trunk to find an umbrella.
dammit, no umbrella, and that dirty mirror i was throwing out got
cracked too. ouch i cut my finger on it.
i look at my phone. 3:53. no choice but to run for
it. so i run for the building i work in, which is about a seven
minute walk. i run and run through the rain. in a way
it’s liberating, but more so it’s very uncomfortable...
i walk into the building and you’d think a comedy troupe entered
the building. my co-workers were laughing at me at the top of
their lungs. of course, it was those friendly laughs that
contained a touch of sympathy, but a laugh nonetheless. i was
soaked to the BONE. how the hell was i going to wait tables
looking like THIS?!?!?! i ran to the downstairs bathroom and
tried to ring out my socks. it didn’t help. i tried
to get someone to trade shirts with me. no one could. i was
a mess, i was so cold i was shivering (the air was high.) it was
going to be a crappy night. amazing, how beautiful things had
only been...hours before...but it seemed like lifetimes before....
i swallowed my pride, and accepted that i was just going to have to
wait tables looking like a wet mop. i grudgingly did my
job. it didn’t help that i’d woken up so early in the
morning, then instead of going back to sleep when i got home, i went on
that wild cleaning spree. my head still ached from the smell of
bleach and cleaning product....
but, at least the night should be fun. i planned on taking him
out for coffee with my friends erin and scotty. both erin and
scotty were super interesting, great friends of mine....something to
look forward to...we were supposed to meet around 9:30/10....
i call him from work around 7, and much to my surprise he’s still
out with his friend, who is some 47 year old guy i find out. to
me, it’s strange that a 47 year old wouldn’t have anything
better to do than spend a day with a 27 year old. i mean,
naturally it’s everyone’s fantasy probably....the youthful
body is desirable, let’s face it! i’ll even be the
first to admit that i find most 20 year olds much “hotter”
than i find my peers who are 30.
was i a bit jealous that my friend was still out with the 47 year
old. absolutely, and i hated myself for it. i tried to keep
myself in check....”yeah we had a great day, i laid out by his
pool, and he showed me EVERYWHERE in tampa....” jeremy
gloff: grumble grumble. “ah” i said to myself
“quit being stupid gloff”
i get home around 8:30---and i thought for sure he’d be back home
by then. oh well, he wasn’t. this was a moment for
me...
i had originally planned to put my keyboard equipment into storage
until september...i needed a hiatus from my music in a big way.
but this night, with my jealous seething, i decided it was best i
turned to the stuff that comforted me the most: my music.
i set up the equipment, and as i lay my hands on the keys, the phone
rings...
it’s him.
him: “hey jeremy what time are we going out for coffee”
me: “I don’t know, 9:30/10”
him: “Okay, well I just wanted to call and let you know
I’m gonna hang out for a bit, but i’m gonna have to leave
around midnight because i’m getting married”
my stomach dropped deeper than the depth of the grand canyon.
what? my mind said
what? my heart said
WHAT?
i said “what?”...but there was an empty feeling in the pit
of my stomach. i knew this was the moment, the moment when things
were going to change forever...
him: “yea, this guy i’m hanging out with has a cousin
from brazil, and he wants me to marry her for money!”
i was so taken aback, so unprepared for this, i didn’t know HOW
to react. i didn’t see this one coming. a million
different thoughts raced through my head at once...
“jeremy it’s his life, let him do what
he wants”
“but jeremy, what about all those times he
said he wanted to get his life back together”
“jeremy, don’t be crazy, you’ve
fucked it up so many times before....”
of all the voices in my head, i responded with the anger voice
i said “that sounds like the WORST idea i’ve heard in
my life...don’t you care about your future...”
i was livid! and i wasn’t sure why....it was such a
shock...this change of events....
was i just jealous because he was still with the 47 year old???
“when are you coming home” i said
“around 9:30 or 10” he said
“but we were supposed to BE there around 9:30” i said in a
bitchy tone
“you’re being crazy” he said...
and was i? was i being crazy? i didn’t know...i
started to feel my grip on reality slowly, slowly, slowly
slipping...i’d lost friends and lovers ten years prior, when i
was younger, to jealousy and instability. were those ugly
monsters coming back to rear their heads....
we fight a little, he tells me i’m crazy a few more times, and i
decide we’ll talk about it when he gets to my house....
-------------
i remember my room seeming very dark after this phone
conversation.
so i turned to the person i always turn to when i need balance
or advice
guidance
or an ear to listen...
my best friend heather deloach
i cried to her on the phone. i think my words were inaudible...
“heather, i feel like i’m going crazy. i’m so
jealous, why can’t i be a normal person???”
“calm down jeremy” she said
“heather, isn’t it unusual for someone who wants to clean
their life up to already be gravitating towards something
illegal? am i crazy for being upset?”
“you aren’t crazy jeremy. having someone move in with
you is an intense experience. it is normal, because of such a big
change, to be a little off....”
she told me what i needed to do. she told me i needed to set
boundaries. she told me i could NOT have sex with him
anymore. she told me to talk to him, to tell him my feelings, and
everything would be okay....
i cried and cried. i already felt defeated in a way. i felt
i had given in to my most unhealthy impulses, and let them have control
over me... the jealousy... the urge to control....
what was right? and what was wrong?
he came home, and pretended as if nothing happened.
i told him we needed to talk, and he got testy. “jeremy you
ALWAYS want to talk about something...”
“but please listen to me” i said “i have had so much
trouble in my past, and i feel it happening again. i’m
feeling jealous, and i hate it. and i hate that you are already
doing something shady and illegal...”
i can’t remember the rest. it’s all a grey blur
i was very confessional with him on the car ride to coffee:
i told him: “I’m so jealous with you hanging out with these
guys, i feel like i have so much more to offer you than they do”
and he said to me “how do you know. maybe they have
everything to offer than you have, but they aren’t insecure and
jealous like you are....”
i became silent. maybe he was right. maybe i wasn’t
right for him. maybe i wasn’t right for anyone? am i
just damaged goods?
i do remember arriving to the coffee place----
and him and i walking out of the parking garage...
i was determined to stay in the right mindset dammit!
and i was determined not to lose his friendship!
that’s it! i made up my mind!
“YOU KNOW WHAT” i said to him
“i don’t care what you do. i’m your friend
unconditionally.”
“but why” i asked “do you hang out with these older
men”
“oh, they’re lonely” he said
aaah, a bell rang in my mind. so this kid knows what he’s
doing. he knows that these older guys are kinda f-ed up.
but it’s a win win? right....?
so i pledge my patience. and i pledge to him that i’m not
going anywhere. and i pledge to him that no matter what he does,
it’s OKAY. he has to be him, and i have to be me. and
that’s that....
we turn the corner and there’s scotty and erin! i remember
all those months i talked to them about this kid that was supposed to
move down. and THERE HE WAS, at my side. friend by friend.
he ordered a couple beers and talked on his phone most of the time....
and erin, scotty, and i talked amongst ourselves...
i really don’t remember much of the coffee date.
blurrrrrrrr............
but i do remember driving home....
and my mood shifting...again....
my mind was in warp speed
“jeremy,” i said to myself “you MOVED this guy here
to get his life together, and he’s already doing something a bit
off color. it’s not normal to marry strangers for
money. it’s not on the up and up. these are shady
people....”
i decided, contrary to what i said in the coffeeshop, i needed to set
some boundaries...
i thought about my therapist, and how she told me it was important to
set boundaries....
“listen” i said “honestly, i’m not really
comfortable with you doing this whole marriage thing while you are
living in my house”
he exploded.
“YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY, ALL THAT STUFF YOU SAID AT THE
COFFEESHOP WAS A LIE. YOU SAID YOU’D ACCEPT ME
UNCONDITIONALLY, AND NOW YOU ARE CHANGING YOUR STORY AGAIN. YOU
ARE FUCKING CRAZY
CRAZY
CRAZY
CRAZY....”
he just kept calling me crazy
crazy
crazy....
and truly i believe him. i felt raped of all my integrity.
i felt like my word held no weight anymore. i DID keep changing
my mind...
one minute i was upset with him.... (how could he DO that)
the next minute i accepted him unconditionally (i don’t want to
lose him)
then back to how could he DO that?
everything was happening so fast....had i been prepared to deal with
situations like this, i might have known what angle to approach it
from. but i had no idea how to react. i was reacting in the
moment....and that is ALWAYS dangerous...
we yelled and screamed the whole car ride...
(but in the back of my mind, all i could think about was my
intuition... my intuition was telling me that if this 47 year old was
turning him onto an illegal scheme after only knowing him a few hours,
then he was already surrounding himself with the wrong people...hmmm
things were not looking good....and i wondered to myself, i don’t
have the right to control who he hangs OUT with right...?
but....the whole REASON i moved him here was to provided him with a
different kind of life...an honest life...and this prospect of marriage
didn’t go along the lines of honest life...
i was too confused by everything happening so fast...i couldn’t
sort out my thoughts....)
we continued to fight as we got into my apartment...
i yelled
he yelled.
i told him i didn’t want him to meet this girl he was gonna marry
he told me i didn’t have any business telling him what to do
i told him this wasn’t working
he said he’d move out whenever i wanted
i told him tomorrow would do...
i told him i thought he was hanging out with crust of the earth kind of
people--
that flew him into a rage
“how dare you judge me jeremy--you told me about stuff
you’ve done in the past....HOW DARE YOU”
but when i told him i was trying to distance myself from that stuff, he
didn’t believe...
and when i told him i thought it was healthy to flirt with the dark
side, but not live it, he didn’t hear me...
and i remember during this fight saying these things to him:
“i’m so sorry you have to put up with me” i said
“i’m so sorry you are trying to get off drugs and you have
to hang out with me, and i’m being so horrible”
“i can’t believe i’m putting you through this”
i told him...
honestly, after this huge fight, i had no idea what was right and wrong
anymore. was i completely crazy? according to him, this was
COMPLETELY my fault, and truly, even though i continued yelling back, i
think i believed it.
he cut me down.
----------------------------------------------------------
he went out on to my back porch to smoke and talk on the phone. i
remember sitting in my living room with a really empty pit in my
stomach. this wasn’t supposed to be happening. this
wasn’t part of the fairy tale. i knew things might get a
little rough, but i didn’t expect it this fast, this soon...
he told me that nothing i said had any value any more, and that he
didn’t want me to talk to him the rest of the night...
“i’m going for a walk to the store” he said...
so i was left there, in my empty apartment, to contemplate the
evening. was it only this morning i had picked him up from his
interview listening to natalie? in the sun? things never
seemed darker than they had now...
i just wanted things to be okay. i wanted them to be right.
and so the only way to MAKE things right, was to let him be, who he was
going to be. ineveitabbly.
i took a deep breath.
“i can’t lose his friendship, he means too much to
me....”
so i ran upstairs, and got a blank piece of paper from my
printer. and i drew a peace sign in the middle of the paper.
a big peace sign...
i waited for him outside on my steps with my peace sign. i saw
him approaching from way down the street, his blonde hair illuminated
by the street light. he didn’t look as golden anymore to
me. things had gotten tainted...things were changing and changing
really fast....
....as he approached i held up the peace sign for him to see....
“please let’s not fight” i said
and i went back to the OTHER side of the story....telling him no matter
what he did i’d be his friend.
“i would NEVER kick you out of my house” i told him,
“not even if you did drugs....”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
we eat the food he bought at the store mostly in silence. i
didn’t want to say anything, because i knew he hated everything i
had to say.
he told me i talk about my past too much.
he told me i talk about feelings too much.
he told me i was crazy and unstable.
i do talk about my past a lot, and my feelings, and i did feel
crazy....
i felt much like a dead pancake lying on the floor...
flat
useless
torn down...and defeated....
but i remember a part of our conversation
“jeremy” he told me “these expensive clothes i
wear, i know it means NOTHING. but it means EVERYTHING at the
same time. I know i’m just playing a game”
“you’re brilliant” i told him.
honestly, this kid amazed me. cause i didn’t understand
him. i had never met anyone like him. i had no profile to
compare him too. quite often in life, when meeting someone,
i’d understand what they were about from the get-go. not
this time. every second it was like a hairpin turn...you never
quite knew what was next....
we went to bed, and i tried to convince him it was okay for us to mess
around, and that when i tried to set boundaries earlier i didnt’
know what i was talking about....
he rejected me with a wave of the hand and told me to go to sleep,
maybe in a few days we could mess around again....
restless sleep...empty stomach.....grinding uncertainty........
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
the alarm goes off at 7 am again. It was wednesday morning, the
beginning of day 6 living together. he was to return to citibank
for the SECOND job interview, and i offered to take him there...
there was a cold vibe in the air....he didn’t smile as
much. he was rushing around more than usual... we
didn’t hug. it wasn’t “3 0’clock”
when i smiled at him, he didn’t smile back as much....
so i drove him to citibank, and there wasn’t much
conversation. we only talked about the game plan for the day:
i was going to drop him off for the interview
the 47 year old was going to pick him up from the interview around noon
i had to work in the afternoon
i was going to see stevie nicks in concert later that night
after the concert was over, i just figured we could get a movie or
something...?
so i dropped him off. i will never forget dropping him off.
he didn’t hug me as he left the car
he didn’t wave goodbye
he didn’t turn around and smile as he walked away
he just looked forward. he opened up the metal fence door, and
walked away from me....
i remember fiddling with my cd player...and watching him walk
away....step by step...further and further....
although things had gotten smoothed over the night before...i had a
feeling things weren’t quite right...
my mind is getting pretty messy.
i paranoid things are falling apart
i am full of self hate for not being able to maintain control....
i am making 1,000 emergency calls to my friends
and they are all there for me
erin is there for me
heather deloach is there for me
heather dibkey is there for me...
and i know there’s many other people who would be there too, had
i reached out to them....
i am beginning to realize one thing. my friends are here for
me. they care about me. they KNOW me.....
i get to work and i’m feeling unusually upset and
distraught. i knew at that moment it was time to call in the big
guns....
i told my manager, “Mike, this is an emergency, can you watch my
tables”
so i went back to the back stairway....the one that is all echoey when
you talk on the phone. the service stairway....
it was in this very stairway i had many of my early conversations with
him...
i called my therapist....
“linda, i need your help. he moved down here, and things
aren’t going well....”
i left a message, and she called me back right away....
and even though she was going on vacation
and even though i was calling at a moment’s notice....linda
worked me into her schedule. tomorrow morning. 9 am.
oh fuck, i’m not a morning person at all. but this was an
EMERGENCY appointment. phew, i was relieved i was going to be
seeing linda. she has helped me through SO freaking much....
back to work....he txt messaged me
“post office?”
he was sending four boxes to my P.O. box, and he was waiting for them
to arrive.
they hadn’t arrived yet...
i remember nothing about work that day, but i remember it being a sunny
afternoon.
but i came home and talked to my roommate. she said
“jeremy, you know who he reminds me of, those troubled children
at the children’s crisis center, where i used to work.
those kids are so cute, and they use their looks and charms to try to
convince you that they are good people. then they will try to
steal from you, or even worse....”
I told my roommate what i knew about his childhood. I knew he was
in homes. I knew that he set a lot of fires as a child, and that
he spent a year locked up for it. I knew he put sleeping pills in
his parent’s food....so they’d sleep and he could sneak
out...
I knew...i was dealing with a troubled person...
and i remember at that moment knowing it was time i contact my friend
jenny, and fill her in on that had been happening.
“JENNY” i said “I need to see you right now.
Things are not going well.”
And within a half hour, we were sitting at taco bell. Jenny
Kangas--the girl i first lived with when i got to Florida. Jenny
knows me, and Jenny was so instrumental in helping me become the person
i am today. She called me out when i was being too insecure, too
judgmental, too nervous, and i loved her for that....
We sat with our burritos, and i told her the story. I told her
about the fights...
the accusations....
my instability...
I told Jenny, I felt like i was going crazy and I didn’t know
what to do...
“Jeremy,” she said “It sounds like you might be
dealing with a person that has antisocial personality disorder...”
what?
jenny has her BA in psychology, and she works with troubled
children... I knew a little bit about antisocial
disorder/sociopaths and in a way, everything started to click into
place....
after our meal, i felt in a way more comforted, and in a way more
disturbed....
no time to think though, IT WAS TIME TO GO SEE STEVIE NICKS LIVE!!!!
---stevie and i go way back
---there was a time in my life when all i carried around with me from
city to city was a guitar, a backpack, a discman, and three stevie
nicks cds....stevie was with me, during some of the most wonderful and
most terrible times of my life....
....and i’d seen her perform with fleetwood mac but never
solo.....
(vanessa carlton was opening, and i had originally planned on missing
that part of the show, but i opted to go...it was better than sitting
in my room with all HIS stuff and the silence....)
i remember pulling into the fairgrounds. the ground was all muddy
from the past day’s rain...i decided to keep my cell phone in the
car, otherwise i’d be checking it the WHOLE freaking
concert. i really wanted to be able to tune into stevie....
in my heart, i was sure he’d call during the show sometime...or
he’d be home by the time the show was over anyhow...
walking into the show, i had this very nervous feeling, but also a
feeling of ease. it felt good to be surrounded by stevie fans
during such a horrible day of my life. the feathered 80s
haircuts, the women in their late 30s, early 40s...the biker men.
i knew we all had something in common....the music of this gypsy woman
had touched us ALL. there were a few gay men there, and they were
fabulous. there was a little girl there, about 9, with blonde
hair dressed in stevie garb.... my insides still felt vacant and
hollow, but i knew i was exactly where i needed to be....
before the show started, i took a moment and sat on a concrete ledge by
myself. i knew right then, that no matter what happened, i was
going to be okay. i watched the people walking by me, and i
almost hoped someone would come to talk to me.
vanessa started, and i went to my seat. i was sitting next to a
couple 40s-ish lesbians, and i wondered if they were cool or not...?
vanessa had about one good song, but her personality was naive and
charming....
when she was over, i began talking to the lesbians...
PHEW! they were huge stevie fans too. I knew it was going
to be a special night...
i knew the set list from looking at nicksfix.com. i knew that
before stevie came on stage, first they played
“Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child and then the new
dance version of “Dreams”
When the “edge of 17” guitar riff came on for
“Bootylicious” the crowd went nuts. the sun was just
about to set....and the moment was perfect....
i remember stevie coming on stage, singing “Enchanted” ---
her lyrics....
“He was gone, he was gone from me, when i remember someone i
remember their dreams” -- i cried
i cried through a lot of the songs. i danced. i got really
sweaty. i told some redneck white trash guy to quit talking to me
because i wanted to enjoy the show....
and then “fall from grace” came on...my own little personal
anthem that i’d been listening to in my car all week....
“and now alone in my room it all begins again
was i so wrong why am i always so intense
in the same place i sit, the same place as before
well i came all the way here just to watch you
walk
out
that
door....”
i cried like a baby....
during “edge of 17” all the true fans pushed to the front
of the stage, and i made my way almost front and center. i will
never forget one of the lesbians coming up behind me and rubbing my
shaved head. i looked back to see who was rubbing me head, and
she gave me the biggest, goofiest smile. i want to run and tell
her, about all the hurt i was feeling inside. about all the
confusion....what was happening?
as the song ended, stevie did her usual routine where she touches the
fans’ hands. i touched stevie’s hand, and it felt
kinda cold and worn. but wise. what a night. i wish i
had been able to enjoy it more. the whole show i just thought
about HIM. I thought about the mess....
The lights dimmed and it was time for stevie’s last song....
i knew what song it was going to be...
“Beauty and the Beast” -- one of Stevie’s most
intense, personal songs. A fan favorite. A favorite of
mine....a song that i never really understood, but always loved.
A song I watched her do over and over in her LIVE AT RED ROCKS
video...so intense....
stevie hadn’t done this song live in years, and it was very
special to us fans that she brought it back...
the really slow sad piano part started...
the lesbian leaned into my ear “see my friend over there....her
brother used to play this song on the piano before he died. it
was beautiful...”
and it was clear to me....how we all hurt. how we all lose.
how we are all an organized mess inside our guts....
stevie starts the song....
“you’re not a stranger to me....and you....well you are
something to see....”
i start backing away from the stage...i wave to the lesbians....
“my darling lives in a world that is not mine....an old
child...misunderstood, out of time....”
i go to the railing on the side of the stage...i feel this urge to get
to my car. i KNOW he called....we are gonna hang out tonight and
be good friends, and everything will be fine.....
“who is the beauty, who’s the beast....would you die of
grieving when i leave....”
I go to the edge of the arena. I can still see Stevie, and i
watch her sing from afar. I can’t believe i am walking away
from stevie singing a song so close to my heart....
so close to my current experience....
“my love is a man who’s not been tamed....my love lives in
a world of false pleasure and pain...”
i go outside to the vendor area....i can still hear the song. i
want to beat the crowds...i want to check my phone. i want
everything to be OKAY....
“we come from different worlds....but we are the same...
i never doubted....your beauty...i’ve changed....”
i leave the concert hall, and into the night....
“i never doubted, your beauty...i’ve
chaaaaaaaaaaaaanged.....”
i start running. i start running into the night. i start
running towards my car. i am sweaty, and i feel very very very
weak. my legs feel like the bones were taken out of them...like
noodles....
and i pass all the other fans who had left early...
do they wonder why this boy is running?
do they know....do they see the hurt and longing in my eyes...?
i hear one last note...that night haunting note that stevie sings
towards the end of the song...
and that’s the last note i hear....
the night is silent, and i look for my car in the muddy parking lot...
i get to the car. he didn’t call.
out of breath.
in a way, i feel dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
around midnight that evening, i remember sitting at my kitchen table
alone eating a turkey sub i’d bought at 7-11.
i thought back over the evening....
i called him from my car, at the show still...i didn’t hear from
him until minutes later when he text messaged me “at a bar, call
you later”
okay....
i drove home in the night from stevie---gas prices were high so my gas
tank was often empty. but my heart felt emptier.... my
friend kelsey called from ybor, and i told her things were terrible,
and we needed to meet soon...it was good to hear her voice....
the first thing i did when i got home was type “antisocial
personality disorder” into google....
and the pages came up....
i remember talking to my friend michelle agius as i read the
information...
Glibness/Superficial Charm -- he was very charming - check
Manipulative and Conning -- hmmm ?? -
Grandiose sense of self.-- check
Pathological Lying - does he lie?
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt - well he said he never felt
guilty when cheating on all this boyfriends, and prostituting behind
their backs...?
Incapacity for Love - he said he NEVER loved anyone
Need for Stimulation - he would never sit still, it was always fun, in
the moment....
Callousness/Lack of Empathy - check
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature- check
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency - check
Irresponsibility/Unreliability - i couldn’t understand. WHY
didn’t he care if he ever got his credit straightened out.
he had no regard for the future, and i just didn’t GET it.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity - check check check
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle - check mate.
there was a lot more information that described him to a tee, but i
won’t copy that all here....
-------------------------------------------
my stomach sank the more i read up on this personality disorder.
finally, finally it all made sense. no wonder i couldn’t
figure this kid out at all...I HAD NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE THIS.
i was so unprepared....
i was so naive...
now, i am not a professional, and you cannot diagnose someone from
reading a web page. but still, somehow, some way, everything
seemed to make a bit more sense to me...
after reading all this for a couple hours, he text messaged me again
“not coming home tonight, staying at mark’s (the 47
year old)”
i didn’t feel jealous, in a way i felt relieved. finally, i
had a night to organize my thoughts and figure out just what i was
going to.
i had such mixed feelings....
did i have a sociopath living with me?
was he sleeping with the 47 year old?
what was truth, and what was lies at this point?
i called him immediately
“this is ridiculous” i said “we don’t have to
communicate through text messages!”
so we talked, and he told me about his evening...
mark sure had shown him around tampa....he took him to some of the
seediest, nastiest gay bars in tampa. i was a bit angry at
mark. never did i consider that my friend may have asked to go
there?
i finished my food in silence, and went up to my room. all his
stuff was still there, and my room SMELLED like him. he smelled
beautiful....
i began to read, and he called....
phew, maybe things were going back to normal at all!
we talked for about 5 minutes and then....
“jeremy, can you mail me my resume i need it”
“sure”
i mailed it to the 47 year old’s email address, and even wrote a
note “thanks for helping my friend get a job, that’s very
kind of you....”
they never wrote back....
and as the hours went on, on my night alone, i began to get more and
more upset...
all i could think about were the disturbing web pages i had read....
all i could think about was how much my friend seemed to hate
everything about me
- he hated my analytical nature
- he hated the way i liked to dive into my feelings and get to the root
of issues
- he hated the way i could never just have “fun”
because HE MOVED HERE TO GET AWAY FROM HIS HORRIBLE BOYFRIEND AND TO
HAVE FUN DAMMIT!
he told me, i never want a boyfriend again....
and the hours went on.....
at 2 am my phone rang.
it was jimmy. jimmy is this little vagabond intellectual
i’d hung out with for a few days...
our lifestyles are very different, and there are other things about us
that are very different. but there is also a bond between
us. i think we both are very internal, emotional people who deal
with the weight of the world. jimmy is a writer. jimmy is
an intellectual.
jimmy called me, that crazy crazy alone night, at 2 am. i told
him, come over. no matter what you are doing, no matter what time
it is, you are welcome to come over...
i wonder if he heard the desperation in my voice...
i wonder if he knew i was on the brink of collapsing
i wonder if he knew how fragile i was....
he said he might come over....
an hour went by and i tried to sleep. i knew i had to rise early to see
linda....so when jimmy finally called aound 3, i still didn’t
care...
i wanted him there. i knew i wasn’t going to sleep anyhow...
i remember waiting on the porch for jimmy to pull into my house.
i watched him pull into that parking spot, right in front of my house...
i started crying...
i started crying, because a boy was walking up the stairs who
didn’t hate it when i talked. he didn’t hate the way
i analyzed things. he didn’t hate when i talked about my
past. he didn’t hate anything about me. i knew that
the person walking about the stairs cared about me, as is.
100%. and i cried.
he saw the trouble on my face. i don’t think he was
prepared for how intense i was....
i brought him to my room and i told him this whole story, from start to
finish. i told him of the pain i was in. i told him how
stupid i was, and he told me i wasn’t stupid...
i told him i was afraid that i gave my key to this kid. jimmy
told me he’d sit at my house all day when i was at work the next
day, and kick this guy’s ass if he came back. i think
that’s one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me....
he hugged me...
jimmy ended up staying through most of the night, and i don’t
think his timing could have been any better. i think jimmy saved
me, that lonely night. i will never forget the fact that he was
there for me, that he hugged me on a night when i needed to be hugged
probably more than any other night....
jimmy had to leave by 7, but by the time he left i was so tired and so
drained i fell right into sleep....
________________________________________________________________________
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
the alarm was going off, and it was 8 am. time to go see linda.
i remember waking up feeling dead tired and empty....
i remember driving, to linda’s far away office feeling numb and
confused...
i remember that i played no music, and drove in silence...
i remember that before i left for linda’s i called into
work. i knew i had to take the day off
i remember parking the car in front of linda’s office, and
starting to cry. people cared about me, and i realized it,
finally....
for years i felt so lost and uncared for...and more so than ever...this
week, i was realizing that people FUCKING care about me.
my therapist, made a special appointment, the day before vacation, for
ME.
******
i entered linda’s office, and began to cry. non stop.
i’d never cried in front of linda before...NEVER. i
encountered addiction with linda, and i didn’t cry. i dealt
with issues from my childhood with linda, and never cried. i
dealt with the fucking hurt and agony of a life of compulsion with
linda, and never once shed a tear....
but this morning, it all came out.
boogers flew out of my nose, and tears were falling down....
thank you, linda. for being there for me. i knew this morning i
am such a lucky, lucky person...
and she heard the story. and she listened to me talk. and i
told her i didn't know if i was sane or crazy anymore....
honestly, the whole session remained a blur, but linda made one thing
very very very clear to me--
i had to get this kid out of my house, and the sooner the better.
if it meant flying him back to buffalo, she said, do it.
but no matter, what, it was something i had to do...
leaving the office, i felt a bit better, but still confused. i
called heather deloach and she said “jeremy, go home, turn off
all your ringers, turn off everything, and take the afternoon for
yourself. no matter where he is, he’ll be okay. it
isn’t your problem....”
first i went to the PO box....i remember all those mornings walking to
check my mail....looking at my reflection in the windows and wondering
if someday he’d be in that reflection with me in those very
windows. i always loved the post office...
this morning his boxes WERE there. one final piece of his life,
in florida...i remember carrying those heavy boxes to my car,
alone. i had this really dark violet sadness in my heart.
i went back home...
i turned off my house phone
i turned off my cell phone
i turned off the computer
and finally slept....
when i woke up, there were two text messages, and they both said the
same thing--from him...
“you at work?” 12:36 pm
“you at work?” 12:44 pm
i called back “no i called in, what’s UP!”
i left a message on his phone. 1 pm
no call back
text message 2 pm
no call back
call again at 3-- no call back
i got paranoid? why did he want to know if i was at work?
was he gonna come here and get all his stuff???
it was one of the loneliest afternoons of my life. i remember
going up to my closet, and smelling all his clothes. and crying
all over them probably. i loved the smell of those shirts, and i
knew that smell wouldn’t be there much longer...
i cried all afternoon...
i laid on my living room floor and cried uncontrollably...
my therapist told me....jeremy....you have to mourn the death of the
dream you had...
i wasn’t ready to let go yet....
i went back upstairs and opened the drawer and smelled his clean
socks....and his shirts again...and couldn’t stop crying...i
loved so much waking up and seeing that spikey blonde hair by the side
of my bed...fuck...why was i so crazy i asked myself? why did i
ruin this?
or was it me? i had no idea...
my roommate called and by this time was furious at the whole
situation. how dare he come into our house, then only be here 6
days and already be staying at other people’s houses. THIS
ISN’T A HOTEL she said.
i just sighed. i was burnt.
finally he did call at 5
“sorry i didn’t call back, i fell asleep and i got REALLY
drunk last night...we went to the male room....can you come get
me.....”
Of course i could come get him. i’d probably run across
country for him at this point, i mean i really cared about the
boy...truly....
i knew two things:
i had to get the key back
and i had to give a 30 days notice....(my friends suggested i give a 30
minute notice)
i knew something was wrong, but i wasn’t still quite sure what???
so i picked him up from the 47 year old’s house....
he got in the car and i started off with
“i don’t want to fight, but we need to talk about two
things. i need the key back, and i think us living together is
going to ruin our friendship. perhaps you should find another
place to live by 30 days, if that’s cool. i care about you
a lot, and i don’t want living together to tear our friendship
apart....”
he agreed.
in fact, he told me, he already had found some places to live if he
needed somewhere to go.
and he told me about charles...
charles was 64
charles was a failed businessman who used to be a millionaire
charles liked young boys living in his house, but he would NEVER ask
for sex
charles said NO DRUGS ALLOWED in the house, so it was PERFECT
charles lived near verizon, so he could get a job there!
okay, well i asked him “do you think you might be more
comfortable living with charles”
he said “yes”
so he called him...
and started planning on moving out....
....and hour later....
it all happened so fast....
i remember our last hour together at my house
--i sat him in front of my computer. he looked worn out and
sad. i sat him and read him the characteristics of an antisocial
personality. he didn’t disagree. in fact, he agreed
that he did in fact, harbor most, if not all of those traits.
--i played him a song from my upcoming cd...”the needing”
---a song about overcoming co-dependence and addiction....
--and we held eachother, sitting on my couch. i remember, he
kissed my neck and rested his head on my shoulder....
-we went onto netflix and picked out a bunch of movies we could watch
together in the future. it was really exciting--we still had a
future...
i had to give charles directions to my house. he sounded old. he
sounded creepy. i didn’t like it one bit, but i knew i had
to get him out of the house...
he wouldn’t let me meet charles
he wouldn’t let me SEE charles
he told me he knew i would be mean to charles, and he didn’t want
me to “ruin his business” ---
so i had to hide in my room, while the boy i dreamed about finding for
years left...
he packed all this suitcases
he took his stuff out of the drawers that i made empty for him
he took his toothbrush out of the matching owl set that held both of
our toothbrushes
he took his stuff out of the file in my file cabinet that had his name
on it
but he left one pair of socks “hey someday i might come back from
work and need clean socks...”
so he left, and he told me to call him later that night...maybe
we’d hang out....
i called but we didn’t hang out.....
but i knew we’d hang out tomorrow (friday) -- i had busch gardens
tickets for us and we had a whole day planned....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so the house was empty, and my roommates were glad he was gone. i
went out for coffee with erin and scotty that night....i don’t
remember anything about it. but i remember calling him as i left,
and he told me his first night there was going fine...
....and that he wanted to sleep with the other young guy living
there....this straight guy....who was on crack....
i went home....and slept.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LAST FRIDAY....
he called me around noon....what’s the plan for today!
bring your phone charger, your damn cat chewed mine!
call me!
i spent some alone time before i called him. i ate a TV dinner
and did a crossword i believe...
i was excited
--we were gonna go to the beach!
--and busch gardens!!!
i got directions to where charles lived, and it was this apartment
complex way on the other side of the town that was once host to an
ill-fated net adventure of mine. blah.
he was waiting outside, and he got into my car. the vibe was
good. he told me he’d had trouble sleeping, because it was
always hard for him to sleep in a new environment...
i remember driving us to the beach, and the oddest thing happened....
a bird came up and smashed into the passenger window of the car...right
next to him. full force. the bird died.... very
ominous...
at the beach and in the water we talked about his addictions. we
talked about his history of addiction, and he told he he’d done
crack and heroin a lot. i didn’t know that. he told
me he went into rehab in buffalo and it didn’t work for
him. he told me he had now been off drugs for almost a week and
he never felt better in his life. we laughed a lot...
when leaving the beach, i knew i had to get to a gas station asap cause
the tank was on empty... we drove around, a couple of tan fags
with our shirts off.
“jeremy,” he said to me “if i was on drugs,
you’d never be able to tell”
“I would definitely be able to tell” i said back to him....
but would i??? i wonder................
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
we get back to my apartment and change, and i just really want to touch
him and be near him. he rejects my advances, and say maybe
later. off to busch gardens we go....
i’m going to recap our day at busch gardens in list form:
-we listened to vanity 6 pulling into the parking lot. he seemed
excited and a bit edgy
-i remember how fast he walked...it was like we were racing everywhere
-we went into where i work and i introduced him to nurys. i made
a bet with nurys that i wouldn’t have sex with him. i
lost. when introducing him to nurys i told him
“here’s the lady i owe a dinner to olive garden to because
of you”
-we went to rhino rally to visit michelle. he was very testy and
anxious in line. “fuck this line” he said. but
i wanted to see my friend, i made him wait. finally, he was
making me nervous and i wanted him to be happy, so we cut the line and
found michelle anyhow
-my back was all sweaty from the sun
-one moment we were walking and he said “jeremy you should be
ashamed of yourself. you look like a queen the way you are
walking, your arm swinging like that...”
-the shut down a roller coaster because of thunder and
lightening. he was testy and grouchy. “this park
sucks, nothing works.” he wanted to start smoking in line,
but he didn’t cause of the kids...he seemed really edgy...
---and i felt, for the first time, that we just didn’t have much
to talk about. i was scared that anything i said would be
wrong...so i didn’t talk much in that line...waiting for KUMBA to
open back up
-he smiled a lot on the coasters...
-walking through the park, he made some offhand comment about sugar
daddies, and i told him how i disagreed with them. “I KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL JEREMY. YOU TELL ME ALL THE TIME. CAN’T
YOU JUST LIGHTEN UP AND STOP PREACHING. JESUS CHRIST”
-so to make him happy, i started talking about some of my sexual
exploits “SHHHH JEREMY, THERE ARE KIDS AROUND, HAVE SOME
COUTH...”
-i had a lot of guest compliments at work, and my manager was kind
enough to give me a certificate for a free meal. i decided to
redeem that certificate that day. he was very testy waiting in
line....and i do admit the line was very slow. but after working
all week, i didn’t mind. but he kept complaining and making
comments. i felt awkward. i felt bad, i wanted his day at
busch gardens to be better...
-we got our food. i got smoked chicken and he got beef
briscuit. he said the beef was dry.
-after eating we watch some show...it was very strange...it had some
guy running around this loop in mid air. we sat together and
watched it in silence mostly....
-we went onto the new roller coaster, SHEIKRA, and we thought it would
be quicker if we went on the single rider line. it turned out not
to be quicker....but i’ll never forget...
looking at him across the way....
he smiled at me
i smiled back
and together, but separately we went onto one of the most awesome
coasters i have ever been on....
-later that night we decide to try to ride it one more time...this time
together....
we wait in line together, and as we almost reach the top i ask him
“let’s take a vacation to chicago together sometime!”
he said “jeremy, i’d never travel with you”
that hurt
“all you’d do is talk the whole time about serious
stuff. about feelings. i like to just have fun. i
like to have fun when i go on trips. i moved down here, and all
you want to do is talk. if i wanted to talk, i’d have a
boyfriend. all you want to do is debate, like earlier...”
that hurt.
i respond “this is who i am. if you don’t like me as is,
don’t hang out with me”
“oh calm down, i’m just joking jeremy” he says....
and i look at him
“is this the last time we are ever going to hang out”
he doesn’t answer, i don’t even know if he heard me
“is this the last time we are ever going to hang out” i ask
again...
then the loudspeaker came on “THE RIDE IS CLOSING DOWN DUE TO
TECHNICAL PROBLEMS....”
“jesus jeremy this park sucks....everything closes down...”
we do one final thing at busch gardens. we ride the train. it is
night time, and the train slowly goes through the safari area. i
feel drained, and i feel a distance between him and i....
behind us, there’s these loud teenage girls singing britney
spears....”hit me baby one more time”---i remember kids
like that from when i was younger...young obnoxious loud kids, trying
to get attention, enjoying their youth, having the time of their lives,
singing loud, annoying everyone around them....”
i looked at my friend and smiled...
i used to be one of those kids...
....but we sang madonna.....
now, i was a 30 year old though. i was a 30 year old riding on a
train next to someone i really didn’t know so well. someone
who came into my life like a tornado a week ago....someone i was so
desperately scared of losing...and who was sitting as far away from me
on the seat of the train as possible....
we exited the train, and walked out of busch gardens very very
fast. and we walked to the car fast....
“stay tonight....let’s watch a movie, let’s hang
out”
somehow, he did decide to stay the night....and it was a fabulous
night. before returning to the house, i bought us drinks at 7-11,
and then took him for his first driving lesson. i couldn’t
BELIEVE that a 27 year old had never learned to drive, but he’d
had people to drive him around his whole life, or he took the
bus. i was determined to teach him how to drive.
it was cute watching him stumble around behind my steering wheel.
i took him out on the road, and it was fun. he told me if he had
a car he’d drive really fast, and i wondered if i was creating a
monster....
once we got back to the house we went swimming together in the
pool. it was fun, except that he told me charles had asked him to
go on a “date” tomorrow. he told me he’d fuck
charles for the right price. in fact, the whole swim was
basically spent talking about stuff of that nature...
so he had a “date” with the 64 year old tomorrow, which was
supposed to end with a lot of alcohol and them home alone. it
made me sick
and then sunday (the day after) it was a day at the gay beach with the
47 year old....
even though i was disturbed by all this talk i wanted him, one more
time, badly...
i told him, since he had no money for that plane ticket, he’d
have to start paying for it in a different way *wink wink*
we did a swimming race in the pool, and even though i won, we laughed
so hard. we were both two out of shape gay boys. we both
had charlie horses. pathetic! i remember trying to hug him
as he stood on the ladder and he pushed me away...
i think i said the saddest thing i’ve ever said in my life in
that pool....
“if i became a rich rock star, would you live with me, because
i’d support you and you wouldn’t have to live with all
these dirty old men....”
sigh. the writing was on the wall.
and he did....after swimming we threw our clothes in the dryer, and ran
into my room naked like two young boys getting in trouble...and we had
a very intense intimate experience. he only let me pleasure
him, and i think i got something out of that....intimately, it was very
much like our friendship was. i made sure he felt good.
we then went to go rent a movie--”Miss Congeniality Part
Two”---and then to Taco Bell. Charles had given him $20,
and i asked him if he’d buy me food with that money.
“I can’t spend his money....”
So I bought us the movie, and food for us...with my credit card....
and we watched the movie...on separate chairs...
and then we went upstairs and slept
me in the bed
him on the floor....
i thought i was supposed to work at 4 the next day, but realized in the
middle of the night that i had to be there at 11. i woke him up
early.
i remember him getting up naked and getting dressed. i loved that
body....
the whole ride back to charles house, he talked on the phone.
making plans. the phone kept ringing, and text messages kept
coming in. he was setting up job interviews. i had heard
that tone of voice before when he was “setting stuff up...”
he had used that tone when he planned to move down here, and when he
told us we were going to be best friends...
as i drove down hillsborough avenue, there came a point when he looked
at me, smiled, and rubbed my shaved head...
we pulled into charles’ complex, i tell him to stay in
touch. he hugs me, thanks me, leaves my car...
....and i never saw him again.
PART THREE: THE UGLY
(a.k.a trying to hold onto a dream that’s killing you)
He moved in on July 8th and the last time I was him was July
16th. I finish this piece on August 25th. (well, it’s
going to be midnight in a few...so the 26th...) I told myself I
was going to take the summer off, to have fun. No music.
Just wait tables and relax. Instead, I spent the summer
confronting issues that have haunted me me whole life...insecurity,
obsessiveness, sadness, poisonous people...
But the key word in confronting. In the weeks since I last saw
him, I have done everything to hang on to the dream that I got in my
head, the dream that it would be him and I against the world....
Let’s start with week one....
I knew he had the date with Charles on Saturday, and was hanging out
with the 47 year old on Sunday....so I tried to NOT call him, and see
how long it would take him to call me.... Would he call, now that
I no longer had anything to offer him?
I was never to find out, because of course I called him...
....and eventually he’d call back...
He’d call when he was with the 47 year old, and everyone was
speaking spanish and he was bored....
He called on monday because “he was at a job interview, and he
was still using our address...can you just tell me the zip code where
you live”
Sure! 33617!
We’d talk online, here and there...
And during one of those online chats, we made tentative plans to hang
out on Thursday or Friday night...
Thursday came, and he called me while i was at work. I was happy,
at least he was calling...
I called back “hey do you want to hang out tonight or
tomomrrow”
“Well, I don’t know Jeremy. I don’t really like
to make plans. I like to be spontaneous and just be in the
moment. I kinda wanted to go to a club tomorrow night
though....and I can’t do anything tonight, it’s
Charles’s birthday....and he’s dropping me off at the beach
tomorrow morning and i’m gonna look at hot guys all day...”
“Well I wanted to watch a movie tomorrow” i say....
He says “well maybe you will change your mind by tomorrow and
want to go to a club...”
I am angry by this point “I have a better idea” I say,
“Let’s just do something next week....”
The conversation ends, and I storm back upstairs to my tables.
FUCK THIS I say to myself. I deleted all his numbers. I
MOVED THIS GUY HERE TO CLEAN UP HIS LIFE, AND HE IS UNABLE TO COMMIT TO
PLANS WITH ME?
It really really hurt. It was a blow to the face...
It was the first time I really had to face the fact....that I might
have been completely used....
Then another strange thing happened....when I went to get gas, my
credit card was gone....and....the last time i saw it was when i paid
for our taco bell...
well, it must be a coincidence....i have never known him to steal, and
i don’t think he’d take my card...
i tell my roommate i had to get a new check card that morning....
strangely enough, hers was missing too....
“jeremy, if you gave him our whole address once, why did he just
need the zip code that time he called...??”
“well at gas stations they ask for the zip code....”
“but he doesn’t have a car”
“jeremy, he probably took those cards”
“no he’d never do that....would he??”
FAILED ATTEMPT TO CUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE-TAKE ONE
I delete his numbers....and go bowling with my friends from work.
I vow to them, I learned my lesson, and I will NOT call him.
Friday he doesn’t call
Saturday he doesn’t call
Sunday he doesn’t call...
but i get a curious text message when i wake up monday at noon.
Call Me - 6:11 am...
i panic...is something wrong? does he need me? why did he
call me so early??
I call back “Hey call me, I hope everything is okay...”
That night -- he doesn’t call back
(at my open mic that night, i am especially volatile...it’s
amazing that a week before i sang his song to him...this week i am on a
rant about being left for a 64 year old...)
Tuesday night - no call
I am very worried by this point...
But I go out to dinner with Jenny and Heather. “Stop Jeremy
-- get away from him. He only text messaged you to keep you
hanging on....don’t call him again”
So I stay strong...
Wednesday the call comes when i was at work
“Hey Jeremy....sorry I haven’t called....i’ve been
doing some bad stuff...but i got it out of my system...things are okay
now....blah blah blah call me if you want to”
I call back, no answer
But I see him come online the second I get home, and he IMs me
“Did you get my message”
“Yes” - I say....
He tells me, he went on a 3 day meth binge with some “bad people
from St Pete...” --- I am worried, and sad...
“Isn’t Charles taking care of you”
“Oh Charles is great...Jeremy if i had known how bad it was going
to be living with you i’d have never moved in....”
We fight...as my friends wait downstairs to play board games....
“Jeremy, it’s your fault, you kicked me out, you invited me
down here then thew me out....”
and i told him
“I’m so sorry, i know how hard this has been on you...but i
care about you so much. I feel like i’m slipping out of you
life...and i don’t want to lose you.”
He says he cares about me
I say I care about him a lot
We sign off....
Thursday comes, and he IMs me online again....I tell him about some
potential dates I am going on, and we have a pretty racy convo...
except, in the middle of the convo, he signs off and doesn’t come
back...hmmm............
hours later, he’s back on, but being very strange...
and distant....
and only responding to me with one word answers about every 20
minutes....
“what are you doing tonight” i ask him
“a 20 year old is coming over to suck me off”
“oh that’s great...but he won’t be as good as
me!!” i say
“oh, i’m sure he’ll be just fine...”
then his answers start getting abstract, and scattered....
and i have flashbacks...
to the days when i used to chat online...when i was unhealthy....
i have an inkling, and i hope my worst fears aren’t true...
so i do what i used to do, one last time....
i make a fake profile, and log onto gay.com
i go under the name “Bearlooking4youngcubb”
sure enough, the second i go into the room, he’s there----
Me: Hi
Him: Hi
So I had to live with the fact of knowing he wasn’t chatting with
me at all online, because he was preoccupied with the sluts on
gay.com....it hurt....how much hurt can i take?
Bear4cub: I’m looking for a hot young guy...I’m 52 is
that too old?
him: Not if you have money
Bear4cub: what are you looking to do
Him: Suck dick
(meanwhile, i had flashbacks of all the times he said only liked people
going down on him....so yet another lie....he just didn’t want to
touch me at all....)
Bear4cub: Are you free tonight
Him: Yes
(so there is no 21 year old...he lied about being busy that
night. I asked him when we were going to watch our netflix movies
together...he didn’t answer because....he didn’t want to
talk to me....)
Bear4cub: Can we meet now
Him: Yes, but not here because i have a 64 year old boyfriend
(so he lied to me, he told me that he had set the 64 year old straight,
and they were ONLY friends....so why tell jeremy he is just a friend,
but tell this fake bear4cub he has a boyfriend...what’s the truth
anymore????)
He gives bear4cub his phone number....
I find a fake photo on google and send it to him....it was some fat
hairy guy
But for $50, i could have met him....
AND IT FUCKING TEARS ME TO SHREDS. This kid i fucking love and
adore would rather fuck some fat and hairy guy’s dick for $50,
than hang out with me and my fabulous friends. He never got to
see my healthy side...he never got to know the good me.
So i set it all up, and Bear4cubb was gonna pick him up
Bear4cub: I do drugs, is that cool
Him: Yes, what drugs do you do
Bear4cub: Well I’d rather know what drugs you do
Him: Crack, heroin, meth, coke
Bear4cub: Awesome want to party and play and do drugs tonight
Him: I can’t I have a drug test tomorrow, unless you have
fake pee lol
(so he lied to me, he told me he had finally quit drugs for good....but
he was looking for crack online...)
and i was shaking as i typed the final line:
Bear4cub: By the way this is jeremy and his friends. I want you
to know that we just made up this name to expose what a slut you are,
and the biggest regret of my life is having you move down here.
you have broken my heart. you are scum. you can’t
even be honest with the people who care about you. don’t
call me....don’t txt me....don’t IM me...leave me alone.
BOOM
i turned off my computer, and vowed to turn my back on this guy,
forever....
FAILED ATTEMPT TO CUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE-TAKE TWO
He called me four times immediately. I didn’t answer
He texted me twice. I didn’t read them....
I read one by accident “u’re bored”
And I heard one message by accident “what’s your
problem”
WHAT MY PROBLEM? i asked myself? My problem is, I’m in love
with someone who would rather sell his body online than build a
friendship with me....
I blocked him on AIM....
And went out with Jenny that night
We went to the casino....
Jenny was having a bad guy night too....
so we vowed....TO BE STRONG.....
we can do this.....
and it was so empowering....
i unblocked him the following afternoon, just to see if he’d talk
to me
He did: WHAT THE HELL
I blocked him....
But my curiosity kept getting the best of me...and i left him unblocked
by accident again
Three days later---he IMed me:
WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM....which lead us to:
FAILED ATTEMPT TO CUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE-TAKE THREE
I blocked him again....but then sent him a text message
“I can’t accept you and the life you are living.
Please leave me alone”
And he wrote back
“Ok”
Had that been the end of the story, I would have come out the winner,
the strong person, etc etc....
It was not to be....
I started writing all these text messages...I was unleashed...
I let myself go crazy....
Here is an except from my actual personal journal, and it includes the
letter I wrote him:
august 2nd 2005
must be strong
i’m so weak
told him “i cannot accept the life you have chosen here”
but then had to follow up with
“if you clean up, call me”
AND THEN
“i still see you dancing in your blue...i worry about you and i
cry as i write this...be careful and don’t forget me”
oh jesus jeremy, always so dramatic.
let him go.
he must go.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and again
“txt me every so often just to let me know you are alive”
i won’t be happy
until he is the one rejecting me....
right?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and of course i had to write a letter! Here it is:
DEAR YOU:
it would have ruled if i just said "i don't accept your life leave me
alone" and just left it at that....
that would have been the first time in my life i did what was the right
thing to do, and i had to go and fuck it up by talking to much, and
talking more and more and more....
my heart is just too fucking big sometimes....
i cry all the time....
i cry when i drive by the CVS where i had my car parked....the first
time we talked in depth about you moving here....
i can't ride sheikra at busch gardens because it will remind me of us
arguing up there....and me saying "is this the last time we will hang
out..." i knew it my heart it was. i almost felt like you hated me that
day....you hated the way i talk and think and don't know how to have
fun....the things that make up the very essence of me....the things my
friends love about me....are the things you don't love....
i cried when went to eat at trang last week....this classy vietnamese
resturaunt....where we talked on the phone about how much fun we'll
have together....
i cried at the coffeeshop last night...because i would hide from the
shitty performers and talk to you in the back....we talked about what
movies we'd watch.
i had dreams. and they weren't of you being my boyfriend. i wanted a
friend. a true friend to be around and to understand me. someone to
unconditionally stick around....
of all of our fights, only one of them i think i was totally in the
wrong for. the first one. when i got upset.... i was so worried about
you withdrawing from drugs i just sat up all night at checked up on
you....and my lack of sleep made me cranky and stupid....
but then the trouble started.... i am good with intuition, and when
mark came around, sure i was a bit jealous. but when he was taking you
to the male room and to old men places....i knew you weren't gonna get
off drugs here like you wanted to. my heart broke.
what happened....
to the (insert his name) who said he hated most gay people? then why
are there gross gay people i know on your hot list on gay.com? i truly
believed we were alike....
i really don't like most mainstream gay people....it's okay that you
do....you just told me you didn't and i believed....
you told me once you didn't even really want to be around drunk
people....i believed you....
i said i wanted to take drives to quirky little towns and watch
people....i thought we'd do that
i thought you'd get a job, a legal job, and save money with me, then we
could travel together and visit all those fabulous people i know
throughout this whole country. i travel, and i wanted to take you with
me....
but....it was not to be....
you didn;t jsut make friends when you got here...you got so drunk with
them you were gone for 40 hours....on day 4. i paid for you to come
here cause i was really worried about your drug situation....and i
wanted to give you a clean new start....getting drunk at shady bars so
quick....was shocking to me. i really believed you when you said you
didn't want to be around people who drink....
you find all these men who do things for you. it hurts me to realize,
i'm probably just another link on that chain. after i had nothing left
to offer you, your calls only came when you needed something. i feel
lied to... i feel used.
both my roommate's and mine check card turned up missing the week you
stayed here. and it was fishy you called just asking for my zip code,
when that's the prompt they ask for at gas stations with check cards. i
trusted you, but i really have no idea what to believe anymore. you do
crack and heroin, you admitted it. those drugs make angels into
monsters... i'm not accusing you of taking those cards, but the timing
was very strange. the way things went down, who knows what to believe?
and the final night
i wanted to hang out with you
i wanted to watch a movie with you
i tried to talk to you, but you were taking 20 minutes to respond.
and you were trying to sell your mouth on gay.com. that fucking hurt.
it hurt to see where your priorities lie. i knew then, my friendship
was really secondary to something more fun, exciting, a quick fix.
i fucking adore you, your smile, the way you make your mouth look
stupid when a damn freestyle song comes on...
when you walked off that plane, i was so fucking happy to see you.
those first couple days, so fucking special to me.
i am so sad it's come to this.
you told me, you'd get a gas station job if you had to. why can't you
do that instead of gay.com?? jesus christ you are worth so much more
than money to some people....
i thikn the saddest thing i ever said in my life was "if i was a rich
rock star would you just live with me if i could support you....i don't
want you around those old men...."
i would give almost anything right now to see that smile....
and to hear your fucking little accent
and to see your beautiful naked body
and to take a walk by the river with you and eat candy....
but it wasn't to be, was it?
i love you. but i am very disappointed in the way things went once you
got here. i wish you had believed with me, a bit longer. i just gave
you a 30 days notice....but you chose an easy way. old men. sex. drugs.
using people. it's so easy....
i feel sick right now. i will never get my money back for that ticket.
i worked so fucking hard at work, for months, so you could come here.
paying off bills, getting my car fixed, buying the ticket...
i prepared for months, and to have you gone so quick
i hate it.
i wasn't just some rich lonely guy trying to take care of you. i wanted
you to get on your own two feet....i wanted to be able to drive to your
apartment and watch tv together....
not have you locked behind some gates living for free....or not so for
free....
i doubt you've even read this far, and you've made it clear my opinions
are pretty worthless to you.
what more can be said?
i hope you're happy
and i hope i don't go to your funeral down here.
i love you,
jeremy
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and he did respond the following morning with one text
“sorry, i’m not a thief”
we talked an texted a few times over the next couple of days...he told
me he read the email and was going to respond (which never never did)
he told me we’d hang out soon (which we never did)
he told me during a chat online that i had to cry and get it out of my
system, and that he knows how hard i try, and that he truly does care
about me....
and i vow not to call him....
and i don’t....for a few days....
til i got worried....
i hadn’t heart from him for a week....
i started getting paranoid. i started checking the
obituaries. i started to get that sick feeling in my
stomach. that he died. from drugs.
i called and tried to leave a cheerful message “hey how are
yoU!’
never heard back....
i remember watching the beautiful sunset out side my window one
night...and wondering....if he was okay....if he was alive....
and finally, he texted me at 9PM...”Hi”
i wrote back “hey”
and he didn’t respond, until 10 PM
when he called, and left the most heartbreaking message i’ve ever
heard in my life...
“HEY JEREMY, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, I’M GREAT!!! I
NEVER THOUGHT IT COULD HAPPEN....BUT I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE!!!!
HE’S PERFECT....SO PERFECT FOR ME!!!!!”
my stomach fell out of my feet....
so now it was ALL lies....
i don’t like gay clubs - a lie
i won’t do drugs in florida - a lie
i just like to hang out a home and watch movies i don’t like many
people - a lie
i don’t ever want a boyfriend again, so don’t like me that
way - a lie
my heart sunk. what was left? what more could this person
say or do to me that would hurt? sure, maybe he did fall in
love? but do you call the person who moved you to a new life, who
you know loves you, and rub it in their face they you are happy without
them??
I had a house full of friends when he called....
And bless her heart, my friend m called him....
only seconds after he called me...and he didn’t answer his phone
“This is Jeremy’s friend, and we’d all really
appreciate it if you didn’t call him anymore. It’s
really disrespectful the way you’ve been since you’ve
gotten here...”
and i grabbed the phone
“How could you call me and say you are in love. I thought
you were DEAD.”
and my roommate got on the phone
“I never liked you I always thought you were a shady bitch”
and then I said “Let’s all say it at the count of three
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
and i hung up the phone....
and i finally felt, like i had no life left. everything i
believed was a lie. it was all a lie...
a lie...a lie...
(but i am so stupid...in my heart i still made excuses...and i asked my
friend erin when we were out at dinner....erin is it my fault, if i
would have been less jealous, less worried, less mad that he was with
shady people, would he have stuck around...is this all my fault...?)
my friends made me promise to never call him again....
and i did.
we blocked his name online, again
and we blocked his number....
AND i never called again...
until about three hours after they left....
I left a rambling message...mostly me saying “you are an awesome
friend, you are awesome, you’re awesome, thanks for being a good
friend....”
and i went to my therapist, who told me it was best to NEVER have any
contact with him ever again, and she told me to remember only two things
1) addiction is dishonesty, and dishonesty is addiction
and
2) people with addictions don’t need friends...they have someone
to celebrate the good times with, and someone to turn to when times are
bad”
she told me “jeremy don’t call him”
and i didn’t....
till about two hours after my appointment:
I left a message on his machine, pretending it was him calling me:
“Hey Jeremy it’s me....I know i said i never wanted a
boyfriend but i just wanted to call and let you know i found one, and
it isn’t you!!! Thanks for the plane ticket, sorry i never
hung out with you again but i’ve been doing crack and
prostituting online. Well, just wanted to let you know i’m
dating someone and i’m happy without ya! Joke’s on
you have a good life!” Click....
but then i felt bad....
i mean, what if he did fall in love....what if he opened up to me and
blew it?
If you have read this far, you can see that i am completely struggling
with what’s right and what’s wrong, and what is reality and
what isn’t.....
so i called him AGAIN
“Hey I just wanted to let you know if you found someone who makes
you happy....”
and mid message he was calling me
“Hey Jeremy, whoever that bitch was who left me that message, let
her know i'll kill her if i ever see her...your fucking friends have no
business calling me....bye” and he hung up....
i call back and finish leaving my nice message.....
he calls me after work and we have our usual conversation....
i tell him, the only way we will be able to be friends is if
a) i forget all the stuff he said before he got here
and
b) if he forgets how “crazy” i’ve been since he got
here
i find out about his boyfriend....mauricio. he found him in
clearwater, on all these drugs, and he RESCUED HIM! and
he’s been off drugs since then. and everything’s
great! and he’s quitting smoking, and getting acupuncture
(with whose money?) and he quit his job cause the boss was gay and
really wanted him and blah blah blah...(it’s always a story...)
and charles, the 64 year old is still his BEST FRIEND...etc etc
we agree to hang out soon....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i sent him a text last thursday
“hey i have a date tonight i’m excited!”
he called me and left a message “hey CALL ME BACK RIGHT
AWAY”
i called him and he told me he wanted to hang out with me that night.
that was shitty...i felt like he was only asking me to do something
because i'd already had plans....
yes, i’m really starting to unravel here....
we start txt messaging frequently. some of them are sexual.
most of them are me telling him how lonely and sad i am without him....
do you miss me? yes he says
do you think about me? yes he says
we are now up to august 23rd, two days ago
text messages:
me: what’s up
him: hanging out with charles’ friend from conneticut
me: hey i heard some guy from fredonia NY wants to hang out with
you (meaning me)
him: well i called you that one time
--i started to boil----
me: oh you mean that one time i had a date! since you asked me to
do something i probably should have cancelled it huh? next time i
will
me: in fact, next time i’m busy i’ll call you and let
you know, so you can ask me to do something and i’ll cancel it
*wink wink*
i though the wink wink was an indication i was being kind of tongue in
cheek
he calls me and leave this message:
“jeremy you are crazy. listen to yourself. you say
you want to be friends but then leave my crazy messages like
this. why can’t you just let things happen? there
isn’t a conspiracy against you...why do you always worry so
much?”
i listen to his message and text him back:
hey i was in the bathroom when you called, i was just joking around
calm down, i’ll call you later....
so i did text him later
are you mad at me?
no response
i miss you, so much will you write back
no response....
please write back and let me know if you are mad or not
no response...
which brings us to yesterday...
my first day of class.
i woke up with the attitude that it was time for a new start. i
told my friend it was like washing a window, and you have to sqeegy off
the dirty water...that was me yesterday....
finally, i’d had enough.
i text messaged him:
i want my money for the plane ticket
no response
i text messaged him again:
you know what, i realize you used me. you have a lot of bad karma
coming towards
you for the way you use people. the debt you owe me is far
greater than money....
he writes back:
sorry you feel that way. i’ll pay you back
and i write back:
you’ve had six months to prove you are a friend and you failed...
he calls me, and by this point i’m at my friend eric’s
house:
i answered the phone:
“UNLESS YOU ARE CALLING TO HANG OUT OR APOLOGIZE, I DON”T
CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY”
and i just keep repeating that....
but i heard what he was saying
he said he never hung out with me again because i was so crazy
and because my mood always switched back and forth
and then i started screaming back into my phone
“I MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED YOU HERE AND YOU NEVER HUNG OUT WITH ME
AGAIN”
and he screamed back
“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE SO UNHAPPY AND YOU STRESS ME
OUT”
and i said
“WHY BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. SORRY I’M
HUMAN”
and he said
“YOU ARE NOT HUMAN, YOU ARE THE MOST INHUMAN PERSON I EVER
MET”
and i said
“YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT FUCKING PROSTITUTE. YOU ARE A
FUCKING WHORE. I TRIED TO HANG OUT WITH YOU AND YOU WERE SELLING
YOUR DICK ON GAY.COM”
and he screamed back
“YOU ARE WORSE FOR ME THAN ANY OF MY DRUGGIE FRIENDS”
and i screamed back
“WHY BECAUSE I DON’T ENABLE YOU, AND LET YOU DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT? BECAUSE I CALL YOU ON YOUR LIES??”
and he screamed
“YOU ARE CRAZY I WILL GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOU.
DON’T EVER FUCKING CALL ME AGAIN. DON’T WRITE TO ME.
DON’T TEXT ME. LEAVE ME ALONE”
and i screamed one final
“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE” and one of us hung
up, somewhere....
then i texted him
“WHORE”
and he wrote back “I’m saving this”
and i wrote back
“I saved the chat transcript of you being a hooker online.
I’m sure your friends in buffalo would like to read that”
and then he called ME again.
this time my friend eric answered the phone
“Hey I am trying to hang out with my friend Jeremy Gloff, and
some junkie keeps calling him, so please leave him alone....oh you want
to get a restraining order against him?....how can you do that when you
just called him?.....wait...you just called him?.....no i’m not
threatening you, but calling the police isn’t how we solve things
in tampa.....sure we can meet and talk about this as adults any time
you’d like....YOU FUCKING PUSSY”---and eric hung up on
him....
i left feeling protected, and so happy i have friends who are there for
me....
i went to spanish, and i was happy to be back in school....
once i got back to my house last night my friend matt said he wanted to
call and get my money back. i didn’t want to harrass him,
but i do want my money....(what i really want is to hold him, and
that’s how fucking stupid i am after all this....)
The conversation:
“Hi this is matt, jeremy borrowed the money he moved you here
with from me, and i strongly suggest you call me back and we work this
out....”
He texted matt back:
“I start my job on the 29th...i don’t want any
enemies...jeremy and i are just two different people....i didn’t
mean to hurt him...tell him to stop sending me mean text messages....i
know i have done things that hurt myself but i never meant to hurt
anyone else...”
________________________________________________________________________
And here I sit, 1:01 am on august 25th 2005.
Summer is almost over....and I know....i cannot call him again.
My friends don’t believe me, but i know i can’t.....
I doubt anyone even read this far....but i know this much....
after all this, who knows what is right and what is wrong. all i
really KNOW is that this person brought out a very unhealthy side of
me. i no longer want to point fingers, or place blame, or do
anything else but get my head and heart in the right place again.
no more wondering if he’ll ever call me again.
i need take care of me
even though i am hurting so much inside
even though i am sometimes such a gullable person...and i am
sometimes really simple
even though it’s almost impossible for me to accept that someone
would lie to me
and use me....
it’s hard for me to accept that someone never cared, even if the
writing is on the wall....
even when lea said he looked like a washed up old queen
and when erin said he was wearing mandals
and when eric said he looked like he was buried underground and came
back from 1991
my mind tends to block out the bad things...
i only remember the smile, getting off the airplane....
a week after he left, i was in bed with a fabulous smart attractive
great guy....and i distanced myself from him...now that guy won’t
call me back either...
i don’t think about the prostitution
i think about the drawers i emptied out so he’d have a place to
put his socks
i don’t think about the crack addiction
i think about the way his clothes smelled, and how he smiled when he
held me....
---
but it’s time to grow up. it’s time to leave it
behind me. that’s why i wrote this. that’s why
i’m sharing this with you. i unravled....i went crazy...i lost my
sense of self, and my sense of reality...chasing a dream, a stupid
fucking romantic dream...
i do want to fall in love
i want to buy a condo in channelside with a fabulous guy
i want to stay in tampa now, i realized i can’t leave here, i
love my friends too much....
it’s gonna be hard...
not to call
not to write
or maybe it won’t....now that it’s all written down...
maybe it will be the easiest thing in the world.... thinking back
on it all, i really did act a little crazy. but i wasn’t
prepared for the strorm. i didn’t protect myself. i
didn’t make wise choices. but i can look back on it any
hopefully have learned a lot....
i leave with this:
i will miss you, friend
you know this....
i will worry about you
you know this....
i hope you make it through your addictions okay
i hope you survive
i hope someday you can take care of yourself, and learn to truly love
i hope...you never....stop shining
but it’s time i worry about me.
i am going to end this story here. and then the next time you all
hear from me, it will be later this year when i release my new
album. i feel this is a weak ending to this long story, but
i’m exhausted. i can’t think anymore. i
can’t analyze anymore. i can’t try to figure out what
i did right or wrong anymore. i think it’s time now, to let
go....and i am almost crying as i do it....
i still believe in love....
i just need to recover from this, and believe me in me again.....
anytime i ever hear a freestyle song, or shannon, or lil suzy i will
think of his big smile...
“Take me
take me in your arms
and never let me go....
I need you more and more...”
I love you....now it’s time to love me...
-jeremy gloff, august 26 2005
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