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-written by RhondaK
-appears on Seven Deadly Sips (2001/2012)

He called me a queen
He said “RhondaK, you baby,
You aren’t like anyone else
You, sweetheart, are a queen”

I can’t really say it stopped him
From trying to “come on baby
Get down on your knees and give me a blow job
In the bathroom of the worst bar in Pinellas” routine.

He had a running tally he wanted to keep up with
That one bathroom alone was running in double digits for him
The only tally I’m concerned with is my own.

And what would it be like to have a queen
Down on her knees
Putting her royal mouth on your throbbing scepter
In a public restroom?

A queen does not get down on her knees
And if she does and her tiara slips
She doesn’t stay there
In fact, she gets up from her knees
And I might suggest to you
That you might be in for some serious trouble
After all, doesn’t a queen always carry that scepter in her hand?
A queen can put a whole new slant on the term “by the balls”

Being a queen is more than a sexual attitude
My holiest of trinities are these three queens:
Liberace, Mae West, Marie Antoinette

There are six attributes of a queen
And none of them – none of them are easy:
Do not pay attention to the critics
Do not turn the other cheek
Be quotable
Be able to have you persona summed up with only one word
Live a secret life
Die publicly


When Liberace starting wearing his Austrian crystal-laden costumes
The critics ridiculed him
He became more garish
And he laughed all the way to the bank

When critics slashed Mae Wests’ play “Sex”
She reigned as one of the top three playwrights in New York City in 1927
She walked into Hollywood, in her forties, lumpy, past her prime
And she became the decade’s hottest sex symbol

Marie Antoinette faltered
She wondered why people hated her
Then she tore through France’s treasury buying jewels
She was called “The Trinket Queen”


In London, fifty years after Oscar Wilde was sentenced to hard labor
For being a homosexual
Liberace sued a London newspaper for calling him a “fruit”
And walked away with a small fortune

In the 50s Mae West sued the great grand-daddy of the National Enquirer
“The Confidential”
For printing lurid gossip that she had crossed the color line
That she went gone black – and went back again
She won.

In 1780 – in the pamphlet circulating about Marie Antoinette
called “The Queen’s Dildo” she pulled a train
That is, she sexually satisfied a long line of cardinals, dukes, dogs, and women
The king and queen of France did nothing to stop the slander
The funny thing is, Liberace – he was a fruit
Mae West – she loved black men – plural
Marie Antoinette – she was not a whore
She was married seven years before she lost her virginity
However, she did have something of a soft spot for kissing women
Sticks and stones may break your bones and words
They may certainly cause you to lose your head


Liberace openly acknowledged his own mediocrity
Before closing his show with “I’ll Be Seeing You”
He often quipped “I’m no good – I just have guts”

Mae West whose movie career eventually stalled
And was ruined by the moral minority advised:
“When faced with two evils pick the one you haven’t done yet”

And Marie Antoinette to whom the the queenly attribute of discipline
Came late in life wrote from her prison two years before her death
“It is through adversity that we finally come to realize who we are”


Liberace – excesss
Mae West – sex
Marie Antoinette – evil

Oh yes, Marie Antoinette was the personification of evil
The Austrian bitch’s red hair was compared to Judas’s
If your old man prematurely ejaculated in the sack it was Marie’s fault
If your crops failed – Marie did it
Marie Antoinette knew nothing of good publicity or spin control


Liberace left the stage of middle-age white America
And drove the streets like a bebazzling rhinestone chicken-hawk
Cruising Greyhound stations for runaways.

Mae West picked up some of her best moves from the wrong side of town
She learned the shimmy and the cootchie from Harlem
In Hollywood she cruised for lovers in gyms
Looking for muscled lovers – black, white, horny
She loved the life and her men.

Marie Antoinette – she loved the simple things
She loved gardens and trees
When she saw a meadow no matter what she was supposed to be doing
Even if it was manners of state
She would take off her shoes and run bare-footed through the trees
She never ever said “let them eat cake”


The press camped outside of Liberace’s house in 1982
And he expired to his very worst fear
Being remembers as an aging queen who died of AIDS

Marie Antoinette was beheaded in front of 200,000 people
That would be four times the capacity crowd
Of the Raymond James football stadium

Mae’s sister didn’t precisely attend Mae’s funeral
She didn’t mix with the Hollywood celebrities
Instead, she sat outside in the Limousine
Drinking champagne straight from the bottle
She couldn’t believe her sister was dead

And in a fashion Liberace, Mae West, and Marie Antoinette are not dead
They are legend.