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-written by RhondaK
-music by V. Saletto
-appears on Seven Deadly Sips (2001/2012)

Alexandria Champagne might have enjoyed her last name
Fun, effervescent, playful
There are at least ten things that Alexandria Champagne would never know about her last name

She might have taken a champagne glass in hand and realized
A starling resemblance
The glass symbolically mirroring a vagina
In fact, at some point she might have stifled a giggle
While making a toast to someone’s health
And noticing she was publicly putting her mouth
On a metaphorical pussy
And this massive nearly-Pagan ritual
Of paying homage to the most ancient ritual of all:
Recognizing the power of the feminine

In London, Harrod’s Department Store
Has a permanent shrine to Princess Diana
It includes a champagne glass
And the engagement ring she was never to wear
Champagne dreams sometimes become a media frenzy
With fatal consequences

She never would’ve known the five things
In INXS’s Michael Hutchence final cocktail
And champagne
And as he hung himself I think it’s safe to say
He simply didn’t feel a thing

Alexandria Champagne might have agreed with a woman
Who said of her abusive death-row mother
“When they get her a lethal injection
I’m popping a cork on a bottle on of bottle of champagne”
The murdering mother finally succeeded in beating one of her children to death
Alexandria’s mother often left her with her live-in boyfriend
She would’ve known things that may not register to those
Who escape childhood unscathed

If she could have counted to four
She would have sat in her high school’s football stadium
Chanting “We will, we will rock you”
To to the other team
She’d be too concerned about her homecoming dress
To worry about the man behind the lyrics
Queen’s Freddie Mercury’s favorite drink
Was champagne in a glass slipper
The glass slipper was probably his own

Alexandria would never get to escape the Florida heat
And try out Marilyn Monroe’s trick for staying cool in the summer
By putting her panties in the freezer
Marilyn’s favorite foods were hot dogs and champagne

Thankfully, she would have missed that whole East West West Coast Thing
With Tupac Shakur being gunned down
His death was precipitated by Tupac and his entourage
Beating up an associate of Puffy Comb’s with broke champagne bottles

But #7 doesn’t really matter
You see, twenty-one month year old Alexandria Champagne
Could not count to ten
The man her mother had left her with, Larry Rowe
That Larry, he must have felt homicidally superior
Because he could count to twelve

Twelve times he hit Alexandria’s head on the floor
Because she could not count to ten
She’ll never know the taste of champagne
On the back of her tongue.