Dear Gloffy: The Complete Archive


From 2006-2009 I wrote “Dear Gloffy” which was originally published in REAX Magazine.

SEPTEMBER 2006

  

TO MY FELLOW READERS:
Since I was a child I have long carried three dreams in my heart.  The first was to find a long-term boyfriend. (Still single, apply within!)  The second was to be a pop culture icon (Move over Boy George).  And the third was to have my very own advice column.  Although my first two dreams have yet to be realized, it is with great pride that I present to you my new column, Dear Gloffy.  Let’s face it, Dear Abby is just too old to really have her pulse on our generation and Miss Manners seems so frigid even her bed sheets won’t touch her.  So here I am within these pages of your Reax Magazine to help you solve the drama.  With the aid of my extensive 1980s music archive, your problems will be solved!  I’ll be waiting for your male…err I mean mail.  Onto the advice.

Dear Gloffy,
I hate the music my boyfriend listens to.  Our families get along.  We like the same TV shows.  We are even compatible in the sack.  But I dread every trip we take because he always insists on driving and monopolizing the CD player.  Every time I put in sometime I like he tears it to shreds, to the point I don’t even enjoy my own music.  I know this is a minor problem in the scoop of life/relationships, but if I have to listen to Korn one more time I think I might throw up.
Signed,
Teresa S. From Tarpon Springs

Dear Teresa,
First of all I feel your pain.  I had one relationship go out the window due to clashing musical interests.  And I mean literally uot the window.  Perhaps throwing that horrible Ani DiFranco CD out the car window wasn’t the most mature thing for me to do…whoops!  By the time of my next partner, the Jewel Junkie, I’d learned a lot about communicating in a relationship.  During car trips we would split the music 50/50 — I would be allowed three songs, during which he would not be allowed to make fun of Mariah.  Then he was allowed three songs.  I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to make fun of Jewel, and it worked!  Assert yourself.  let him know that your tunes are important to you, and him respecting your tunes is important to you as well.  If he is still a jerk, throw him out the window along with his Korn CDs.  Madonna said best honaaay: music makes the people come together.  It’s not supposed to split them up.  –Jeremy Gloff photo by Ryan Prado

NOVEMBER 2006

   

Dear Gloffy,
I need some outside assistance and a plan of action. Maybe you can help me out. I’m in a foreign country, just finished my M.A., and am about to enter real life. There is just one big thing that is bothering me, (more than all the other things I am having to deal with all of a sudden being a grown up.) It seems that I am consistently having to choose between being a good anthropologist and having a relationship. I’ve had to be so focused on my career I haven’t even been out on a proper date in months and haven’t had a relationship for almost 1 1/2 years. What do I do? I know I am not that feminine, kinda bossy, and sometimes a bit of a know it all. … but I think someone out there must think I am a catch. So, what do I do to turn this boat around and get back to a place where a relationship is even possible? Is there a plan of action that will help? I know I want to be a good, even great, wait no… the best anthropologist I can be, but do I have to be lonely to do it? I don’t know… What do you think?
Signed,
Quarter Life Crisis (London Reax Online Reader)

Dear QLC,
“Working 9 to 5 each and every day…what your momma used to say all work no play?” To some people those are just trite lyrics from Samantha Fox’s 1988 club smash “I Wanna Have Some Fun.” To me those lyrics speak of a world without joy. Many times in our quest to be the BEST at one thing, we are murdering the possibility of being really good at a FEW things. I truly believe that balance and happiness are products of living a well-rounded existence. So you’ve successfully completed your higher education … now’s it’s time to live! Put on a hot ensemble. Look in the mirror and feel good about yourself. Get out on the town and show the world the hot, new, educated you (and have a Xerox of your degree in one pocket and some lipstick in the other honaaay!) And remember, later on in the same track Samantha Fox got it right too: “I wanna have some fun … move my body all night long … working hard every day … I ain’t staying home NO WAY.”

Dear Gloffy,
I’m currently “dating”/”seeing” this guy who I really have fallen for … but he is somewhat a LOSER. He has no job. He isn’t looking for a job. He never has money to do anything … not even get coffee with friends. He has more excuses for his life than Dolly has hair spray. I adore all the other things about him and I’m having a difficult time deciding whether I should totally dump him or stick around to see if things change. I have detached myself, but still see him on a regular basis. I love him.
Signed,
Lamb B. from Largo

Dear Lamb,
From reading your letter I believe in my heart that you wasted your time writing to me. You already know what you need to do! Consult the lyrics of DOLLY HERSELF. Therein you will find your answers. For example: “Workin’ 9 to 5…what a way to make a livin’…barely gettin’ by…it’s all takin’ and no givin’…” Let’s put it in Gloffy terms: if he can’t WORK…then why should you WORK IT? No job then no “slob”..honaay! Let’s get serious for a second. Relationships come in tiers, especially adult relationships. I sense from your letter that you connect on the physical level (important), the emotional level (also important), but not on the responsibility level. Unless you are in the mood to baby-sit a grown man, sit home every night, or pay for everything, I suggest you follow the advice Dolly gives on Track 3 of her Rainbow CD from 1987: DUMP THE DUDE. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Eric Olin

DECEMBER 2006

   

Dear Gloffy,
I have a serious problem.  I am attracted to my husband’s best friend in a big way.  And it’s looking like the feeling is mutual.  I do love my husband, but it’s hard to say no when it’s just his friend and I alone.  What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Frustrated in Plant City

Dear Frustrated,
Honestly I really couldn’t tell you what you should do until you send me photos of both your husband and his best friend.  But if your husband is ugly and his friend is hot….well honaaay hit him with your best shot!  Oh if only it were that easy right?  But since we’ve already quoted one Pat Benatar song, let’s quote another.  “I’ve seen all the downfalls of temporary heroes…misguided direction…longing for perfection.”  I believe what the great Pat was trying to say pertains to your situation.  If your relationship with your husband is comfortable and established why mess it up for a few moments of pleasure?  Guilt is never a light load to carry…and cheating would establish you as a dishonest partner in a relationship.  Gloffy is a strong advocate for honesty!  It’s the only way a relationship can thrive.  And there’s nothing wrong with having wild fantasies, it’s healthy.  Do it up.  But there’s everything wrong with being a liar…especially to the person you have committed to.  Gloffy wants you to stand by your man.  And I bet Pat Benatar would too!

Dear Gloffy,
I know it’s the holiday season and everyone is getting in the spirit…but is it necessary for Christmas music to be playing in stores for over FIVE WEEKS?!  Honestly…I think I’m going to go crazy!!!  Thoughts?
Signed,
Chuck

Dear Chuck,
I feel your pain brother.  I have great fear that by the year 2020 Christmas music will begin playing on July 4th.  Perhaps you could get a pair of earplugs?  Or even better, do what Gloffy does…shop online.  That way you never have to leave the house and hear that wretched jazzed-up version of “Jingle Bells”.  The least these damn stores could do is invest in a copy of “Twisted Christmas,” Twisted Sister’s new collection of Yuletide classics!  Dee Snider and Santa Claus in the same room…priceless! Gloffy’s Xmas wish list: A boyfriend, a record deal, and a boyfriend.  Oh, and a boyfriend. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Orion Erickson

JANUARY 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I have a cousin who I think is “in the closet”. He’s been through a lot in his life (including a prison term). We have pretty frank conversations yet I’ve never dared ask if he was struggling with his sexuality. I’m afraid he’d be hurt (whether he really IS gay or not). Should I just straight up ask him and risk the hurt? The reason I want to ask isn’t for my own curiosity. I think he keeps making such awful mistakes because he’s trying to live a double life. He runs his own business but keeps risking losing it with impulsive behavior and compulsive drinking and drugging. What should I do??
Signed, Artsy Annie

Dear Annie,
Two ideas. First buy Cher’s “Believe” CD. If he knows the lyrics…mmmhmmm. Next go shoe shopping. Are you picking out his shoes or is he picking out yours? MMMMHMMMM!!! Okay let’s get serious and disregard silly stereotypes. Although homosexuality is accepted by mainstream culture more than ever it can still be a sensitive issue. Before boldly putting his sexuality into question perhaps you should drop hints that you have an open mind. Create a comfort zone. Let him know he won’t be rejected. Before I came to terms with my own sexuality I turned irate at the suggestion I was gay. Mental boxing with oneself can get pretty bloody. Tread lightly…if you drop signals eventually he may too. Then pursue the issue. And If I see you two driving around Tampa blasting “It’s Raining Men” I’ll know how things turned out!

Dear Gloffy,
I wasn’t looking to be hit over the head with a hammer by a man but it happened. The man is friend who tends bar at place where I hang out. At first he seemed to be getting “friendlier.” Once as I said goodnight he grabbed my hand, gave it big kiss, gave me a hot, smoking look, and said, “See you next time.” Later I decided to make my move. I put on my finest clothing and makeup and asked him to an afterparty. He acted evasive! I used my wit and sass to comment, “Oh, you’ve probably got a wife waiting at home” to which he replied, “You never admit to that!” We ended up scrapping like Hepburn and Tracy. To this day the push and pull continues. Things only got strange once the flirting started. It makes me think I “imagined” something… but did I?
Signed, Man-Trouble Mo

Dear Mo,
If you listen to an Elvis CD do you hear Sheila E? If you listen to an Expose CD do you hear Journey? If you listen to a man giving mixed signals do you hear anything that’s really in your best interest? An idea—if signals changing are your thing then walk to the intersection nearest to your house and watch the traffic light. Emotionally, we all deserve someone capable of clear communication. Oh, and do buy Sheila E’s “Romance 1600”—just because it’s a really, really good album. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Ryan Prado

FEBRUARY 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I recently noticed that a close friend of mine has put on a noticeable amount of weight.  I feel whenever we go out she gives me the envious eye as though it’s my fault!  How do I tell my friend that I’m concerned without hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Smaller Than Her

Dear Smaller Than Her,
Please gather the following items: glue, scissors, some pictures of your friend, and the debut album by Wilson Phillips.  In the CD booklet every time there is a picture of Carnie Wilson (you know, the fat one) replace Carnie’s face with that of your friend’s.  That should do the trick.

Well…actually before you do that maybe you should read on.  Weight gain is obviously a physical problem but perhaps there is a psychological explanation.  Depression is one of the leading causes of weight gain.  Talk to your friend.  See what’s on her mind.  In my experience there have been weeks and weeks I simply didn’t want to get out of bed.  Perhaps your friend is dealing with similar demons…and her body is reflecting his.  Also I have found a great way to inspire someone is to set an example.  Perhaps you could join a gym and invite your friend along?  Chances are she won’t turn down the invitation!

And finally back to Carnie Wilson.   They always hid her behind a piano…even if there were only guitars in the song!  Keep your friend away from that metaphorical piano!

Dear Gloffy,
I’ve been dating a fellow co-worker for a few months.  We have yet to take our relationship to the “exclusive” level, but I can’t help but feel angry over some recently revealed skeletons.  It is true that we’ve both exchanged dirty deeds…but I find myself furious over his option two–another co-worker whom I can’t stand!  How do I forgive him for doing the same thing I did? I honestly wouldn’t have been mad had it been ANYONE else.  I’m finding it hard to let this one go.
Signed,
Dirty Skeleton

Dear Skeleton,
In the year 1981 rock outfit AC/DC released their classic cut “Dirty Deeds Done Dirty Cheap”.  Please download this metal anthem and throw it onto your boy’s iPod.  Nine years later butch rocker Joan Jett did a cover of the same song (shortening the title to “Dirty Deed.”)  Please download Joan’s version and stick it on YOUR iPod.  And remember dating is a sport!  It sounds like there’s a lot of gray area in both your rule books.  It’s time to stop looking over your shoulder and start looking forward.  Yes he slept with some girl from your job you can’t stand.  Use your reaction to this situation to better understand what you want out of the future of this relationship.  And when/if you two get tempted to stray…run for your iPods and pump out the AC/DC and Joan Jett!  No more dirty deeds honaaay! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Gloffy Archive

MARCH 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I have an elderly neighbor that’s driving me absolutely crazy.  I see her peeking through the window and watching every single one of my friends come and go.  Once while we were both getting the mail she commented on how I “sure have a lot of lady friends.”  She’s complained to the other neighbors about my music being too loud.  She’s complained that my guests were parked illegally when that wasn’t the case.  I’m a private person and her inappropriate nosiness is really starting to make me uncomfortable!  I can’t find it in myself to be unfriendly to her…she’s the typical chatty/friendly/meddling kind of woman that would play bingo with my grandma.  I just want to be left alone!
Signed,
M.Y.O.B.

Dear M.Y.O.B.
Have you ever stopped in your tracks and said “thank GOD for Bonnie Raitt?”  Gloffy thinks it’s time to take Miss Raitt’s 1989 smash “Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About” to the next level.  If your nosy neighbor want to meddle then why not orchestrate some memorable performances?  Ideas include inviting all your hot girl friends over for a topless dance party, curtains open of course!  Or maybe it’s time to get o ut those high heels honaaay.  Let grandma see what you look like in full drag!  Or imagine her reaction when you throw a yard sale and sell only sex toys and occult paraphernalia.  It might be worth taking a moment to remember and understand generational differences.  Our grandparents grew up in an era when it was commonplace to be more involved with neighbors.  People once passed the time by nosing into each other’s affairs.  (No one could gossip like my grandmas!)  So next time you see that white hair peeking through the curtains smile and think Bonnie Raitt.  “People are talkin’…talkin’ about people…”

Dear Gloffy,
I’m in a weird spot.  I’ve been sleeping with a guy for a couple years now on the”DL”.  He’s cool and all but there’s no romantic interest.  All of a sudden he’s single and he wants to hang a bunch more.  That would be fine but the guy I really have feelings for is due back in town soon.  Here’s my question…how does a non-playa keep it cool when in the presence of both men?
Signed,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Honaay if you want to pull this one off you must be cool as a cucumber! It sounds like you are in the position where you’re weighing your options and feeling things out – which is healthy.  It also sounds like you may be in a few other positions but we won’t go there.  Gloffy doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with sitting on the fence until you figure out what’s right for yourself.  Enjoy the fence!  And if by some weird chance all three of you are in a room together all you need is this mantra written in ancient times by goddess Debbie Gibson. “Play the field…You gotta look around…Lovin’ is so real…Don’t settle down…”  Keep us posted! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Summer Virshup

APRIL 2007

       

TO MY READERS: In honor of April Fool’s Day I’m going to give you a special treat. I’ve gone through all my unanswered letters and selected the two dumbest I could find. And hence a tradition begins…

Dear Gloffy,
I am getting concerned about a developing issue. My boyfriend continues to wake me up every night shaking and shouting. He puts on white clown makeup, this awful bright red lipstick and a pointy hat. It scares me wide awake! It started about eight weeks ago-just the hat and some freaky shouting. It’s been getting much worse lately. Once I’m awake he dances around the room, screaming bad knock-knock jokes. Help me! I don’t know what to do.
Signed, Sleepless in South Florida

Dear Sleepless,
After consulting my professional medical journals I’m led to believe that your boyfriend is probably not aware of his nocturnal outbursts. It is very likely he suffers from somnambulism…more commonly known as sleepwalking. There are a variety of ways to deal with (and possibly halt) his erratic behavior…but by far the cheapest solution can be found on YouTube.com. Be firm. Sit your boyfriend in front of the computer. Let him know the seriousness of this situation. And then drop the bomb. Play him Laura Branigan’s “Self Control” video five times in a row. Maybe ten! Let your boyfriend know he’s making you feel the same way that Laura does in her video. Show him the terror on Laura Branigan’s face… problem will be solved!

Dear Gloffy,
There’s this guy I’ve seen around town at clubs, bars, and random shows. I don’t know his real name but I think he’s gay. This guy somehow got my cell number and will NOT stop sending me filthy text messages. They’re non-stop and reeeeaaallyy perverted! Sometimes I’ll be at work and the phone will start buzzing…when I check it there’s 14 messages waiting for me! He even told me he’s willing to pay 200 to watch me shower. What should I do about this guy? Tell him to leave me alone? Threaten his life? Tell him “I’m not that way?” Or maybe I should turn over a new leaf…I mean money IS money right? Oh, I am so confused…please help me Gloffy!
Sincerely, M.O.

Dear M.O.,
Here’s a few things to think about. Do you have a problem objectifying your body for someone else’s pleasure? Are you comfortable enough in your own sexuality to find it flattering that someone of the same sex is into you? Sure it’s absolutely natural and normal for people to test (and expand) their boundaries…but one has to be certain they’re mentally prepared. Guilt, shame, and doubt are ugly clothes to wear. And if the guy is creeping you out or on your nerves…let him know. But promise Gloffy one thing…if you do take that 200 shower play “Money Talks (Dirty Cash I Want You)” by The Adventures of Stevie V in the background. What a perfect moment for that obscure 90s club classic!

Happy April Fool’s Day!!! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Scotty Bentley

MAY 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
For the past 4 months I’ve been dating around.  My problem is that all of the guys that I’ve dated are not my type or don’t fit my standards.  That sounds pretty shallow but nothing seems to satisfy me.  Some I don’t speak to anymore because they have turned out to be crazy and others have become really good friends.  I really want a boyfriend because I’m sick of being lonely.  I don’t know what to do though, should I just stop dating around or should I give one of these boys a chance?  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I’m head over heels with a boy that lives miles away.  If I forget about him maybe looking for something here might become easier.  Anyway, do you think you can help me out?
Thanks,
I’m A Mean Person

Dear Mean Person,
Isn’t it funny how we always seem to want what we can’t have?  It’s so easy to fall in love with someone who is far away.  Because of the distance, we are able to casually overlook their flaws and idealize what life would be like if only they were closer.  From a young age we are exposed to movies, songs, and TV shows that portray love as a fairy tale.  Isn’t it a bitch growing up and realizing that love has little to do with castles and misty mornings?  If you are looking for true companionship I suggest immediately letting go of the guy that is far away.  I also suggest you examine why no man in your immediate realm fits your standards.  Are you setting the bar too high so you can avoid being vulnerable and hurt?  And if your heart starts to wander towards a mysterious man who is far away, for God sakes please check out the hit Kenny Rodgers/Kim Carnes duet from 1981 “Don’t Fall In Love With A Dreamer”.  In other words…what would it be like to make out with Kenny Rodgers?

Dear Gloffy,
I love my girlfriend but there’s one thing about her that drives me nuts!  When we go out to dinner and it’s her turn to pay, she leaves the absolute worst tip ever for the server!  I always have to sneak back to the table and leave a few extra dollars.  How do you gracefully tell someone they’re a shitty tipper?
Signed,
Broke

Dear Broke,
There’s only ONE thing worse than a bad tipper, but that story involved someone with braces.  Ouch!  Next time the bill arrives and your girlfriend is paying, offer to leave the tip yourself.  That’s far.  Request to see the total of the bill so you can calculate the proper tip.  This is the perfect opportunity to casually work into the conversation how important good tipping is to you.  Calculate the math out loud.  She’ll remember.  No one wants to look stupid or cheap in front of their significant other.  If tihs remains a problem please contact me again next month.  I know the choreography to Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard For The Money” video by heart.  Gloffy will be happy to arrange a Donna Summer-style intervention!!!!!! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Scotty Bentley

JUNE 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I am curious. How do you feel about online dating? Let’s face it-it’s always the same old people in the clubs. I’d really like to meet some new faces. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Cyber Senorita

Dear Senorita,
To be quite honest I have mixed feelings about the online dating phenomenon. It’s indisputable that a great deal of our communication tends to occur online these days. Signing onto a dating or chat site may expose you to thousands of people you may not meet otherwise. I have heard match.com success stories. But on the other hand I fear with the rapid popularity of online hooking up an important phase of the courtship process is being lost. When falling in love face to face there’s something to be said for the initial awkwardness, the sideways glancing, the blushing and clever flirtations. No matter how hard we try it will never be possible to siphon the chemistry of the body into mere words and emails. I spent an entire summer chatting to someone online whose words made me certain he was the love of my life. Months later meeting him in person, two seconds of his body language shattered all my illusions. My advice: perhaps dip one toe into the online waters…but keep the other nine firmly planted on earth. Former Go-Go Jane Wieldin said it best back in 1985: “What’s so great about modern romance…what’s so great about fooling around?”

Dear Gloffy,
I’ve been living with this guy for the past eight months and we are really good friends. In the beginning the sex was daily–the best I’d ever had! Now my sex life is nonexistent and quite frustrating. Imagine having to sleep with a guy and not get busy when you’re in the mood. I’m not very outgoing or I’d find someone else. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Newly Virginized

Dear Virginized,
Sandra Berhard’s greatest contribution to pop culture may have been the song “My Life’ she co-wrote for the Pointer Sisters in 1986. It is in the spirit of that forgotten gem that I answer your letter. A woman has her needs. Being that I am a gay male by default I have a vague understanding of a woman’s needs.  He better GIVE IT UP OR GET OUT HONAAAY! Like the Pointers said– “All talk no work? Go ahead and do the jerk ‘cause you blew it!” Amen sisters. And in other news I wonder what it would be like to make out with Sandra Bernhard? –Jeremy Gloff photo by Summer Virshup

JULY 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I love my boyfriend a lot. We’ve been together for about a year. He is a guitar player in a local band and as much as I love him, I hate to say it but his band sucks. His music is very important to him, and whenever I am less than enthusiastic about going to one of his shows he gets offended. What’s a girl to do?
Signed,
Groupie and not by choice

Dear Groupie,
Seeing the word groupie in your letter made me think back to a woman who was once accused of being the ultimate groupie–Miss Joni Mitchell. Rolling Stone Magazine went as far as publishing a chart of all the men that Joni dated. There is no question that Joni loved her men, but did she love their music too? What did she think of James Taylor’s boring nasal ballads? Did she want to take fat ole David Crosby’s place in CSN to be closer to Graham Nash? We may never know. But I do know this…us musicians take our music very seriously…perhaps too much sometimes. At one point in my career I was certain I could never love a man who hated my music. It was then I realized that although music is my main form of creative expression, I do have an identity beyond it. If you hope to stick with this man for the long haul I don’t think it would hurt to sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell him the hundreds of things you love about him. Gently tell him that his music isn’t one of them. Explain to him the ways you can support him and be his number one fan without being his number one fan. If he gets all sensitive on you, just play him “Blonde in the Bleachers” by Joni. And let him know the girl in that song can never be you. “She tapes her regrets to the microphone stand…”

Dear Gloffy,
I know this letter is kind of dumb but my girlfriend farts in front of me and it’s just gross. She’s a super awesome chick and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I’d just rather she didn’t feel THAT comfortable around me! Help me Gloffy!
Signed,
She’s hot, her smell is not.

Dear She’s Hot,
Wow for once Gloffy might be speechless! The best and only way to deal with a stinky situation like this is with humor. When you were a kid did you ever replace the lyrics of songs with juvenile words of your own? Do this. Print out the lyrics to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy The Silence”. Throughout the entire song replace “words” with “farts”. Sing this to your woman! Sing it at the top of your lungs! Sing it!!! “Farts like violence break the silence…” And so on. I bet she’ll think twice before she rips a burner in front of you again!!! –Photo of Jeremy Gloff by James Kilby

AUGUST 2007

 

Dear Gloffy,
In the last few months a lot of my close artistic colleagues have moved. Two went to Chicago, one to Portland, three to New York, and one to Atlanta. Talking to them, none are particularly happy in their new lives. Still, I kind of feel like a loser being one of the only ones from our group still in Tampa. What is your take on Tampa? Why do you stay here? Am I the only one who likes it here?
Signed,
Luvs it Southern

Dear Luvs It,
I often think about America’s preoccupation with the concept “bigger is better.” Big money. Big houses. Big cities. It seems as if a disease has taken over and so many people are opting to try the geographical cure. It saddens me that I’ve watched a lot of musicians and artists flee their small cities because they feel art is only validated in places with an enormous population. The internet has allowed us the opportunity to network, so let’s do it! D.I.Y. artists are now afforded the option to create, promote, and network right from the comfort of their bedroom…in any small town/city U.S.A. The whole “I’m moving to NY” thing made sense in a time when the industry was less commercialized and only ran from one or two cities. It’s time to let go of that dated idea. The creative heart and mind truly lives tucked away in the bedrooms, garages, attics, and cellars all over the motherf‘in United States map. Let’s stop foolishly flocking to one or two dots on that map. Let’s make all of our own little dots blink and shine with the bright vibrancy of the rock and roll spirit. I was driving to play a show in Atlanta and I found myself brought to tears by a song on Jody Watley’s new album.  In it Jody sings “I’m a neighborhood celebrity though I may not be on the TV screen…I’m a superstar.” I was reminded how important it is for all of us to hang on to the true spirit of the indie scene. Let’s stop buying into pop culture. Let’s not take for granted all the masterpieces that hang in our local galleries. Let’s pay attention to and nurture the writers and singers that live in our back yard. And as local artists and musicians let’s make sure we put our best artistic foot forward. Let’s not hold ourselves back from creating a masterpiece because we assume no one is going to pay attention anyway. Let’s reclaim our cities, our streets, our homes, and most importantly ourselves. Thank you Miss Watley. –Photo of Jeremy Gloff by Erin Bentley

SEPTEMBER 2007

   

Special note: This is my 12th column! Dear Gloffy has been alive for a year! Here’s hoping I spend many more years with your troubles and problems. Thanks everyone. On to the mail!

Dear Gloffy,
I have a group of friends who are vegetarian/vegan and they have no problem letting me know it every time we go out to eat. I’m not going to lie – I enjoy a good burger from time to time. I feel pressured to conform to their eating habits whenever we hang out if only to spare myself the guilt trips and commentary. I hate feeling like I’m being looked down upon and judged by people who are supposed to be my friends. WWGD–what would Gloffy do?
Signed,
Tired of Tofu

Dear Tired,
I’ll tell you exactly what Gloffy used to do. I used to eat vegan when hanging out with the vegans and vegetarian when hanging out with the vegetarians. Then I realized that a cornerstone of friendship is respecting each other’s beliefs and differences. We all like to argue that our opinions are the “right ones”. In truth there’s no such thing as right or wrong. What exists is “right for us” and “wrong for us”. Eating what you enjoy is probably right for you. Having friends who disrespect you is probably wrong for you. I strongly encourage anyone who has made a lifestyle choice to feel free to educate and inform people. I encourage those same people to not to think negatively of those who take different sides and views. And for god sakes if they keep bugging you put a snippet of Janet Jackson’s “Nasty” on your cell phone and play it every single time you go out to eat with them. Give ‘em a little Miss Jackson screaming “WHO’S THAT EATING THAT NASTY FOOD” over and over again. Tofu that!

Dear Gloffy,
I have a friend who has been avoiding me lately. I’ve been friends with this girl for nearly five years, long enough to recognize behavior that is uncharacteristic. First she took a long time to return my phone calls and eventually she stopped returning them all together. I tried to confront her and sincerely ask what was wrong. She skirted the topic. She nonchalantly said she was really busy and apologized. My intuition tells me this isn’t the case. We were really close at one time. I don’t understand what changed. Should I just let this one go?
Signed,
Hanging on the Telephone

Dear Telephone,
Muscles are strong but intuition is always stronger! Remember that. Trust that. The wonderful Josie Cotton has a verse in her song “End of Story” that I’ve often applied to my life. “Every sign…every clue…reminding me of what I always knew.” Truer words were never spoken. Trust your ability to recognize when something isn’t right. It sounds like this friend isn’t able to be a friend to you. It sounds like this friend doesn’t want to take the time to explain why things have changed. It’s time to re-read the letter you wrote me and follow what your heart told you in the first place…just let that one go. Like Josie said…end of story… –Photo of Jeremy Gloff by Erin Bentley and tattoo by Angelo from Red Letter One

OCTOBER 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I have been seeing this guy for about a month now. At first it was wonderful, we got along perfectly. We had tons in common and would talk for hours. Now all of a sudden the phone calls are further apart and when we do talk it’s brief. He says he really likes me but he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me. What should I do? Should I go the friend route or just call it a day?
Signed,
Destination-Alone

Dear Destination,
That’s it! Gloffy is putting his foot down!! BOOM! That was the sound of me putting my foot down. Over the past year I’ve gotten many letters similar to this, and I’ve even run a few of them. People!!! It’s time to stop caring about and chasing after people who aren’t willing to give it their all. So I propose this: from this point on it’s all or nothing! No more people who can’t return phone calls. No more wondering. Let’s all freakin’ sleep well at night and stop wondering. I am writing this in celebration of the one year anniversary of my last relationship ending! Thank God! I spent so many nights wondering…who’s he with? Does he still love me? Oh F it, who cares! I love me and lord knows I deserve better than someone who is only willing to put it half way in. Half way into the relationship that is. So in honor of our official pact to end the bullshit, I leave you with Emmylou Harris’ “Movin’ On” – “That big eighteen-wheeler, rollin’ down the track means your true-lovin’ daddy ain’t comin’ back – I’m movin’ on, I’ll soon be gone -You were flyin’ too high, for my little old sky – So I’m movin’ on.” Hellz yea Emmyou!!!

Dear Gloffy,
We work with this guy who has some seriously stank breath. We swear every time he opens his mouth something dies in the world. Is there any way to appropriately address this terror? Should we just tell him to his face? Truthfully we’re all scared to get within a hundred feet. What to do???
Signed,
The Staff at a Restaurant in North Tampa

Dear Staff,
Usually Gloffy takes pleasure in discussing oral matters but this one seems a bit on the gummy side. Sometimes the best way to keep a man’s mouth shut is to put something in it honaaay. Perhaps a piece of gum? A breath mint? An atomic bomb? There really is no nice way to let someone know their mouth reeks. Perhaps an easy solution is to turn to a song written by Sting before he got all zen and yoga-lame. Tell your friend at work PUH-LEASE “don’t stand…don’t stand…don’t stand so close to me!!!” If that doesn’t work you could just chew on a piece of dog shit and follow him around all day. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Nicky Click

NOVEMBER 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
Surprise! I found gay porn on my boyfriend’s computer. Not only did I find questionable sites in his browser history, I found full-on movies on his hard drive. There’s less vagina on my boyfriend’s computer than there is at a Madonna concert. We’ve been together a long time. I’m not quite sure how to approach this one.
Signed,
Definitely Anonymous

Dear Definitely,
Unless your boyfriend is an actor doing research for a homosexual role in an upcoming film, looks like you have some serious discussing to do. Yikes. I’ve always found an effective method to creeping up on taboo talk is to use myself as an example first. What if you approached your boyfriend and asked him, theoretically, how he’d react if he found out something about you that was rather significant? And if worst comes to worst you can channel your inner Linda Perry. Invite your boyfriend into his computer room. Get the gay porn playing. Then sing Gloffy’s special remix of 4-Non Blondes “What’s Up” at the TOP of your lungs right to him: “Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Are you Gay… What’s Going On?” Mmmmhmmm. In other news, I always thought Linda Perry was a bit manly.

Dear Gloffy,
What do you do when you find out that the last four years of your life have been wrapped around another person and now it’s really really over with them? How do you find yourself again?
Signed,
Bye Bye Love

Dear Bye Bye,
It’s tough starting over. It’s tough rediscovering yourself. Especially after you have invested a lot of yourself into another person. It is in times like these you must recall the story of the ultimate rock and roll breakup. Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. They were in love. They broke up. They hated each other for awhile. But then they moved on. If Stevie and Lindsey can do it, so can you! Sure, tonight you might be 1975 Stevie Nicks singing “I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my life around you…” Sob sob. Honey go put on some heeled boots. Fringe your hair. Put on a shawl. Do some twirls. You DESERVE to be 1982 Stevie Nicks singing “Stand back stand back!” Grieve. Heal. Move on. Then TWERK IT…Nicks style! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Scott Bentley

DECEMBER 2007

   

Dear Gloffy,
I’m an avid reader of your column in REAX and I always enjoy your advice. So, I was hoping you’d shed some light on my current situation.  I like this girl a lot, but her friends hate me for no apparent reason. Is there any way I can win her friends over, or will I just have to live with them giving me the cold shoulder?
Sincerely,
Undercover Brother

Dear Undercover,
I hate to say it but no matter how you look at it, when you start to date someone their friends and family are part of the package.  Are you certain her friends hate you?  Maybe they are just feeling you out…putting you to the test.  I would imagine that if you and this girl get really serious and if you just act like yourself, then her friends will eventually warm up to you.  They won’t have a choice.  Is it just coincidence that your letter came to me just as the Spice Girls are about to reform?  In their debut single “Wannabe” released in 1996, the Girls proclaim “if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” THE SPICE GIRLS WERE RIGHT.  So, Gloffy’s advice to you is hang with the girl and put out a good example over time.  Her friends will end up liking you too.  It’s as easy as zig-a-zig-ah!!!!!

Dear Gloffy,
I can’t believe I’m actually writing to an advice column, but I’m too embarrassed to ask my friends what I should do. My wife and I have been married for almost five years.  You see, like any marriage, ours has its ups and downs.  I have come to recently find out my wife is chronicling everything in a live journal online!  I’m a pretty open guy, but I don’t think I really want the whole world knowing our marital business.  And, I certainly don’t appreciate what these strangers have to say about me.  My wife doesn’t know I’ve been reading her blog.  Am I disrespecting her privacy?  Where is the line in this situation?
Signed,
Not on Her Friends List

Dear Not On Her Friends List,
There’s a lot of boundaries to sort through while properly answering this question.  Should one be able to discuss their marriage outside the earshot of their spouse?  Well absolutely.  That’s what close friends and families are for (see above letter).  But I do believe that your wife is committing a breach in your privacy by publicly airing your guys’ business on the internet.  I just recently listened to an obscure Kate Bush song from 1988 in which Kate tells a nosy outsider to “stay out of this…you must not interfere…don’t you see this is between a woman and a man?”   Perhaps you should cut and paste those lyrics in the comments sections of your wife’s blog for her readers to see.  Or even better, talk to your wife.  Tell her you will not read her blog as long as she can guarantee that the content does not breach your privacy.  Like everything in a marriage, there must be a compromise.  Hey, you aren’t the guy in Tampa whose wife was blogging about how her husband couldn’t get it up are you? –Photo of Jeremy Gloff by Emilia Luciano

JANUARY 2008

 

To my REAX readers: finally, the time has come for some long overdue recognition to be given to Carly Simon’s 1985 album, Spoiled Girl. Carly took a chance at high tech 80s dance pop and it flopped on the charts…but it has grown into the ultimate cult camp classic. This month Gloffy is turning to Miss Carly circa 1985 for advice.

Dear Gloffy,
I moved to Tampa in 1999 to go to USF. During my freshman year of college I met my current fiancé. We are hoping to get married sometime next year. Big problem though…we are an interracial couple. My family back home is embarrassingly behind the times in their beliefs. I believe they are bigoted to the point of disowning me and removing me from their wills. So far, I’ve kept our relationship hidden. As the wedding nears, I’m not sure what I should do.
Signed,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It saddens me that there are still people in this world with hate in their hearts. I extend to you my sincere sympathy that you’re put in the position to choose between your partner and the family you love. Life shouldn’t be that way. As always, honesty is essential. Your fiancé is part of WHO you are. Your entire future is going to be spent with this person. It’s not fair to hide the one you love in the shadows…love and companionship should be out in the light! Tell your family. At worst, you’ll only be losing people in your life who aren’t willing to respect and accept the person you’ve become. Think of the woman in Carly Simon’s 1985 classic “Tired Of Being Blonde.” As the story goes: “she left the credit card under the goodbye note…all of this is yours, goodbye and that was all she wrote.” Sometimes you have to let go of an old life in order for a new one to freely exist.

Dear Gloffy,
If you have been in love with someone for five years but it looks pretty hopeless even though there’s still that slim chance, and you have a crush on someone else, is it ok to pursue that crush or are you an asshole for straying from the person you are in love with?
Signed,
Curious in Pittsburgh

Dear Pittsburgh,
Oh honey, our days on this planet are so valuable. Gloffy wouldn’t wait five years for anyone or anything. You aren’t an asshole for straying outside this person you have a slim chance with…you are an asshole for letting five years of your life slip away! On her 1985 slammin’ track “My New Boyfriend,” Carly Simon celebrates a new life with someone who never makes her feel ashamed, who pounces her high up on his back, and who loves the living daylights out of her. YOU DESERVE THE SAME AS CARLY BABY!!!

Any fans of Carly’s SPOILED GIRL album step forward please! –Photo of Jeremy Gloff by Kim Hicks

FEBRUARY 2008

   

Dear Gloffy,
I just moved to Sarasota from a town near Philadelphia and I like it so far. I have one problem. I am afraid of the huge cockroaches down here. Seriously, I have a phobia. I found one in my room once, and I have to sleep with the lights on now. I know I’m a bit on the neurotic side, but my phobia is to the extreme that I am losing sleep. What can one realistically do about something like this?
Signed,
Palmetto Hater in SRQ

Dear Palmetto,
I can relate to your letter. Once upon a time I was a northern transplant and I too was frightened by those damn palmetto bugs. Isn’t it stupid how a creature 1/1,000th of our size can provoke such fear within us? The same manic paranoia can be heard in Donna Summer’s 1979 lost classic “Can’t Get To Sleep Tonight”. Perhaps when Donna wrote that song she was in Florida and afraid of the roaches, or coked up after a night of Studio 54 debauchery. Regardless, I think as humans we adapt. Give it a few years; you’ll still hate them, but not as much – kind of like in-laws.

Dear Gloffy,
People seem to write to you about anything so I figured you’d find this amusing. I have a serious problem in my relationship. Whenever I go out with my best friend, I have to hear about all the little presents his girlfriend gets for him. Well, my girlfriend leaves me presents too – floaters. She doesn’t flush! It’s happened five or six times, and truthfully, it grosses me out. I know relationships are supposed to be for better or worse, but I’m not sure I signed up for this! My girlfriend’s family accuses her of acting like her shit doesn’t stink.  Unfortunately, after running into too many floaters I can attest that it in fact, it does. This is making me like her less and it’s kind of embarrassing to approach.
Signed,
At Least She Wipes

Dear Wipes,
I’ve heard a lot of reasons for a relationship going “down the drain,” but this tops them all. I have a friend who convinced himself that girls don’t poop. He says if he ever finds out they do, it’s over. After extensive research I believe I have found a solution for you. Who would have ever guessed that Mötley Crüe’s 1997 disc, Generation Swine, could save the day? It’s time that YOU leave a surprise for your girlfriend. Go buy a copy of Generation Swine. Burn a CD-R of the second track, a nice little metal ditty entitled “Flush”. Write “Flush” on the CD-R in big black marker and leave it on the toilet seat. Maybe two good things can come of this – your girlfriend will remember to flush & Mötley Crüe will have finally sold a copy of that album! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Nathan Kaylor and Betty X

MARCH 2008

   

As Valentines Day approached, my inbox filled with letters about love. Broken love. Lost love. Confusing love. To help answer these questions about love I have turned to the music of Alicia Bridges. You may remember Alicia as the sassy blonde who sang “I Love The Nightlife (Disco ‘Round)”. Ready for some serious Dear Gloffy ak-shun?

Dear Gloffy,
I was thinking about MySpace messaging an ex of mine whom I was serious with back in the day, but wasn’t sure if it was safe or not considering I am happily married. As I sat there wondering whether or not to do so I thought, how many other people out there have the same question. My next thought was, maybe Gloffy could help. I heard he was married and has a child and I am very happy for him, but wanted to tell him. I would probably also throw in the whole “how are your parents” bit. So, what would Gloffy say?
Signed,
Curious Ex

Dear Curious Ex,
Honaay pretend you are walking past a kennel of pit bulls alone at midnight on a dark street. Let sleeping dogs lie! If you guys broke up, it was for a reason. If you guys didn’t stay in touch, it was for a reason. Does it really matter if he is doing well or not? Is it worth the chance that it might create jealously and weirdness with your spouse or his? You best take the advice Alicia Bridges gave in her classic cut, “Bullets Don’t Talk.” Miss Bridges says it over and over: “b-b-b-baby don’t talk!” When it comes to an ex I don’t think there’s need for talk, e-mails, or looking over your shoulder. Feeling sentimental? Get out the photo album.

Dear Gloffy,
I dated this girl back in the 90s when I lived up north. Recently we got back in touch and at first I was really feeling it. I do admit that I led her to believe our romance would be rekindled after awhile. She is coming down to visit in May basically to hook up with me again. I’m really not feeling it anymore. So do I tell her before the trip? During the trip? Or after the trip? She already bought her expensive non-refundable plane ticket.
Signed,
Feeling Like A Jerk

Dear Feeling Like A Jerk,
Boy, do you have yourself in a pickle! Plus you’ve got someone up north anticipating getting herself on your pickle. It would be cruel and unusual punishment to spoil her trip before she even gets here. Perhaps the next time you talk to her on the phone, tell her that while you aren’t ruling anything out, you also have no expectations. Feel out the situation once she gets here. Or as Alicia Bridges said in the title cut of her red-hot second album, Play It As It Lays. And for what it’s worth – in the very same song Alicia also says, “oh woah oh woah ah woah oh oh WOO! Oh woah ho.” –Jeremy Gloff photo by Michael Spadoni

APRIL 2008

   

Hello Gloffy!
I love your column!  Ok here’s my problem…I dated this person and they pissed my bed twice.  Should I have them pay for a new mattress or have them cover half the cost at least?
Love,
Pissed

Dear Pissed,
I’d be pissed to (no pun intended!)  Regardless if you guys were dating casually, still dating, or broken up I’d definitely approach the subject.  The thought of sleeping on a bed that smells like urine is nauseating.  (We may all go through experimental phases but keep that in the shower honaaay!!!)  Had I found myself in your predicament I would not have requested a new mattress but you know I would have asked Mr. Bedwetter to go straight to the store and rent a steam cleaner.  Sure, “Rain” is one of my favorite Madonna songs from the EROTICA album…but when Madge sang of her man’s “love coming down on her like rain” I don’t quite think that’s what she had in mind.  Gee whiz (pun intended!)

Dear Gloffy,
I am buying a used car.  It is a great car: it looks nice, runs well and gets great milage.  The problem is that it has not got its own personality.  All the cars that I have ever driven, I have had a personal relationship with, some I have loved more deeply than a lover.  Each one has had a personality and a formal name that fits the vehicle just right and I have been on a first name basis with every car I drive.  This car seems somewhat soulless, a well-oiled machine that hums and whirs, but does not speak to me.  What do I do if the car does not give me a name to call it?  Do I just use a car without even knowing its name?  Do I make up a name and pretend I have the power of naming or do I stop driving my car around”
Signed,
A Nameless Ride

Dear Nameless Ride,
Honaay you are in need of some serious Paula Abdul talk.  Like your new car, Paula’s career has been a well-oiled machine that hums and whirs, but doesn’t really speak to many.  Like your car, she’s somewhat soulless.  But we all learned to love Paula didn’t we?  You need to learn to love your car too.  Remember Paula’s hot 1987 track “It’s Just The Way That You Love Me”?  Paula passionately states “it ain’t the car that you drive.”  She was right…it’ ain’t the car that you drive…it’s the love you put into it.  LOVE YOUR CAR.  And more importantly love Paula Abdul.

Jeremy Gloff photo by Emilia Luciano

MAY 2008

   

Happy May everyone!  This month we are celebrating Madonna’s recently released HARD CANDY album.  Y’all ready for a Dear Gloffy full of Madonna?

Dear Gloffy,
You’re a leader.  As a gay man I look up to you for your fearlessness.  You put out music, write, and overall seem very confident with who you are.  In saying this, I’m a frustrated gay man.  We have no support amongst ourselves here in the Bay Area.  Where do we start coming (no pun) together and stop all this hating on each other?  Help!
Signed,
Feeling Trumped In Tampa

Dear Trumped,
I don’t think the gay scene is unique in that it suffers from inner discord.  Our culture is in a place that emphasized the individual, not the collective.  Cliques, elitist attitudes, and stagnant comfort zones all drive wedges through communities.  So how does one reverse the trend?  I will be honest…I’m not sure I have a good answer this time.  For any sort of progress to happen, one needs to take the initiative to be a leader.  Organize events that are all inclusive.  For individuality to be celebrated and cultivated within the context of a scene, start by being a kind and open-minded person yourself. Madonna has hoped for unity via her music in 1983 (“We have got to get together”), 1989 (“Keep people together forever and ever”), 1992 “”Why’s it so hard to love one another?”) and 2005 (“Can we get together?”).  Listen to Madge.  Let’s start loving and supporting each other a bit more.

Dear Gloffy,
I am 18 years old.  I’ve been out of school for a whole year now and I must make a decision.  I love performing music and I know the people and have the resources to make myself well known in the music world.  I am willing to work hard because performing dance-rock and making people dance and get lucky is my dream.  It won’t pay the bills but I’ll be happy in a studio apartment with food and a guitar for the rest of my life.  But I have to choose between the dream of mine and going to college because it’s partially paid for. Will college drain my creativity like everyone says?  Can I have the best of both worlds?  Am I rushing things?  Is there a sign?
Your Friend from Jacksonville,
Midnight Griffin

Dear Midnight,
I think in a case like this it’s important to sit down and actually write out a pro and con list.  Why not?  Balance the scales.  With regard to college draining creativity, from personal experience I have to dispel that myth.  I gained a lot of insight studying psychology in college.  Not only did I grow as a person…the scope of my writing was also influenced in a positive way.  And is there any reason why you shouldn’t have the best of both worlds?  Do it all honaaay!!!!!! Like Madonna’s character Breathless Mahoney from 1990’s DICK TRACY said “NOTHING’S BETTER THAN MORE!!!!”  See you at the top of the world. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Leah Connolly (manestream.net)

JUNE 2008

   

Dear Gloffy,
I have a rock and roll boyfriend. I love everything about him … except for his jeans. He wears them every day. He never washes them. They are full of holes. They stink. I tell him how gross his jeans are. He laughs at me. Sometimes in front of his friends he will make me smell them for a laugh. I know he’s just being a guy. But seriously … I want to barf sometimes, they reek so bad. I’m sure if anyone knows how to get a guy out of his favorite pants, it’s Jeremy Gloff. So what’s your secret?
Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out,
First of all thanks for your confidence in my skills. I never kiss and tell! Asking a rock and roll boyfriend to disregard his favorite jeans is like asking Liberace to ditch the fur, like asking Whitney to ditch the crack, or like asking Michael Jackson to ditch the young boys. When it comes to rock and roll boys, dirty jeans are part of the package. If you really want to get even you could stop washing downstairs. Next time Mr. Rock and Roll goes in for the kill, you can provide him with a sniff of his own medicine honaaaay!!! Or just love your boyfriend as is, like Stevie Nicks did in her 1994 classic “Blue Denim” (“I saw him the other day/he reminded me of blue denim … “). I wonder how bad Mick Fleetwood’s pants stunk.

Dear Gloffy.
I had a friend that is driving me crazy. He’s cool, but all he does is name drop. It’s starting to grate me and drive me nuts. He talks about how much this person or that person at the club loves him. He brags about being on guest lists. He brags about getting backstage at shows and about his connections. How do you tactfully let someone know how stupid the shit they say sounds?
Signed,
Not Impressed

Dear Not Impressed,
Being a z-list local celebrity myself (also known as a fauxlebrity), there are certain conducts and codes that come with the territory. First, never talk about how much people love you … let your popularity speak for itself. Second, never take advantage of your connections. If you get in the club free, or if you’re granted access behind the scenes … let the photographer’s photos do the talking. A true fauxlebrity never acknowledges how awesome they are. I challenge someone to argue with me that the most fabulous icon to ever grace this earth is the divine miss Grace Jones. G-Jo sang her chilly night life anthem “Nightclubbing” with the perfect amount of irony and sass. Grace Jones never bragged or name dropped. Her fierceness spoke for itself. My advice to you is tell your friend to take a page out of the book of Grace Jones. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Ryan Prado

JULY 2008

   

Readers, July is the birthday month of my favorite singer of all time…former prince protege-turned-indie-rock songstress Jill Jones.  This month’s Dear Gloffy is a special tribute to that special girl.  (JillJones.net)

Dear Gloffy,
My boyfriend wants me to act like his mother and take care of him the rest of his life.  Should I continue to wipe his ass…he is going to be 24 in a month!  When should a boy turn into a man in his life?
Signed,
Not His Mother

Dear Not His Mother,
Darling…when a grown woman is putting her boobie in a grown man’s mouth, she is not supposed to be breastfeeding.  Don’t be an enabler!!!  The longer you act like mom, the longer your man will act like a child.  When Jill Jones sang in her 1987 track “For Love” that she would “do anything for love” I’m almost certain that did not include changing her man’s diapers and taking all the responsibility in the relationship.  Tell your man to grow up or go honaaay.

Dear Gloffy,
Everyone at my job pisses me off.  I have a serving job and I work with a girl that never does her side work.  She basically flirts with guys all day.  I’m so irritated it’s affecting my work performance.  How can I keep my job without strangling the bitch?
Sincerely,.
Gratuity Not Included

Dear Gratuity,
Considering how much time most of us have to spend at our jobs, it sucks when the work environment is less than stellar.  Doesn’t work basically suck for everyone and anyone for one reason or another?  In her 2004 track “Life Gets Wasted” Jill Jones talks about how corporate whoring makes her “dead until the next payday.”  But later in the same song Jill says “it’s alright.”  It’s true.  Mentally separate yourself from your job.  Approach it for what it is…a job.  Take the money and run.  Most jobs have the annoying co-worker, the asshole boss, the drama, and the gossip.  In your head, disregard those negativities and just think “paycheck paycheck paycheck.”  Or if worst comes to worst, find a different job with a different annoying co-worker.

Happy Birthday, Jill!!! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Geoffrey Dicker

AUGUST 2008

   

Dear Gloffy,
Since you’re an artist yourself I really want to hear your opinion about artists incorporating other people’s secrets into their works of art. I am not talking your own secrets (you are free to do whatever you want with those), but secrets and embarrassing tales other people have told you about themselves. Do you think it is OK to use other people’s secrets in your own art? Should you warn them about it and ask their permission about using their secrets? Where would you draw the line? Recently, my favorite performance artist and I ended our year-long association because he staged one of my most embarrassing secrets in his most recent performance piece.
Signed,
Steamed in Germany

Dear Steamed,
When art and interpersonal relationships mingle, things can get quite muddy. On one hand, many artists draw from their personal experiences and observations. I’ve drawn a lot of inspiration from conversation. On the other hand, part of being a friend is respecting the invisible line between public and private. I think the answer to this question could differ depending on the situation. How close is the friendship? How personal is the secret? What are the effects of said secret being used in the art? Has the secret been used creatively? Throw that all in the blender and see what you come up with. Perhaps Lindsey Buckingham was grappling with the same issue when he wrote “Walk A Thin Line” for Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk album. Sounds like your friend was walking that same thin line. So did this friend tell you anything juicy? Maybe we can write a song about it together.

Hi Gloffy,
I have a lot of problems, but I am not sure if I really do. I don’t want to talk to people especially in a crowded room, but I like company. I hate people but I love them too. Sometimes I feel very inferior, but I have confidence. Someone told me that I have low self-esteem and also that I don’t want people to understand me. Right now I am wondering if I am just an asshole and I am trying to hide myself from the world. I am hiding myself from the world because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have a few close friends but I am lonely without being comfortable in public. I feel that if I don’t find a way to reach out to people that this social awkwardness will turn into a permanent hermitage. A hermitage that I find I am already setting myself up for. Please give me some advice here Gloffy I am in pain.
Sincerely,
Loner at heart

Dear Loner,
With our modern culture geared toward immediate escapism it can be a lonely place for the philosophic and the introspective. If you ever joked that maybe there’s nothing wrong with you it’s the rest of the world … maybe you were right! Regardless, any healthy social infrastructure should be built from the ground up. There’s nothing at all wrong with spending some time alone and sorting yourself out. Iron out those self-esteem issues. From there, strengthen your immediate friendships. Learn to trust and open up to people you are already established with. From there, if you choose to be more social you will be better equipped.Come on out of the dark, just like Gloria Estefan did in 1989 … and into the light

SEPTEMBER 2008

   

After thousands of dollars and a few years’ work, my new album “1987” is finally being released on September 20 at the Crowbar in Tampa. In my column this month, I pay special tribute to my labor of love. If you enjoy reading my column, I do hope you check out my new songs at myspace.com/jeremygloff. And let’s face it … isn’t it very Gloffy of me to plug my own album in my column?! See you on the 20th!

Dear Gloffy,
All I do is give to people it seems. Give give give give. It is starting to really wear me thin. I don’t mind helping people out, but at the end of the day it seems like there’s nothing left for me. I take care of my boyfriend. I let a friend of mine crash at my place for awhile. My friends always ask me for money. The list goes on. I wonder if they would be there for me?
Signed,
Pooped

Dear Pooped,
Sounds like you ARE wearing yourself thin! I’ve had a few friends in the same position you are, and I will tell you the same thing I told them: You cannnot control how much people ask of you. You cannot be angry at people for asking things of you. The solution to the problem is found not by looking outward, but by looking inward. Why are you allowing yourself to be used? Why do you have trouble telling people no? There is nothing wrong with saying no. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself. You have to be the one to stand up for yourself, so do it. Be like the character in the song “Boyfriend” from my new album, who rid her life of the “parasites and tornadoes who rip life apart.” There’s nothing more rewarding than being as strong as a character in a Jeremy Gloff song!!!

Dear Gloffy,
This might be a strange question but I recently found out my girlfriend once was a dominatrix. She also told me she is very much into bondage and other fetishes. That’s all cool … but I’m not interested in any of that. I say to each their own.  But I also say there’s not a chance in hell I’d ever let anyone tie me up! This is all fine and dandy but my only worry is that my girl will get bored if we don’t do the stuff she is into.
Signed,
Untie Me Please

Dear Untie,
This comes down to percentages. What percentage of your relationship is based on sex and physical interaction? What percentage is based on mental and romantic interaction? How much pleasure are you both getting out of the sex as is? If the sex is bad, and your relationship is mostly physical … perhaps your dame better pack her suitcase and take her whip elsewhere! However, if you two are truly in love and share a strong mental connection … I’m sure she would have no problem retiring the whips and chains. On the title track from “1987”, a man and a woman fall deeply in love … and live happily ever after. Is there anything more rewarding than being a happy couple just like in a Jeremy Gloff song?!! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Ryan Prado

OCTOBER 2008

   

Sue Ann Carwell. I have her 2nd and 3rd albums on CD. What a 1980s/1990s genius! This month in Dear Gloffy I pay tribute to one of the most underrated lost talents of yester-year! You can find Sue Ann on Myspace.

Dear Gloffy,
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years. Recently, we have been having some problems, but we both love each other and are working through them. My problem is with one of my close friends, who views my current relationship speed bump as the perfect time to voice her hatred for my boyfriend. She seems to feel it is her right as my friend to justify her hatred for him by pointing out his faults, claiming I could do better and even (gasp!) trying to set me up with other guys. I respect her opinions, and have tried many times to nicely tell her to butt out, but this only leads to an argument wherein she starts crying, claims she loves me, and we patch things up. Things get better for a week or so and then she starts in again, saying that a real friend wouldn’t stop reminding me of what is best for me. It’s even beginning to affect my social life, as he and I have started avoiding our mutual hang-out spots. Which leads her to tell all of our friends that he is controlling me, therefore justifying her hatred for him. Please help me Gloffy, I’m at my wits’ end.
Signed,
Tired of the Drama in Seminole Heights

Dear Tired,
The job of a friend is rather clear.
They listen intently and don’t interfere.
If you break up and hate him for thirty days straight
But on day thirty-one you make up and date
Your friend just accepts it, that’s life, it’s your choice
A good friend won’t judge you or raise up her voice
True friends they keep opinions where they belong
They still love you dearly when they think you are wrong.
Sue Ann Carwell said it best in ’92 –
“Friend until the end/I’ll be here for you.”

Dear Gloffy,
My boyfriend’s parents control him. He is trapped. They yell at him for not getting a job, yet they won’t help him get a license.  They tell him they don’t want him to live at home, yet they packed his belongings and redecorated his room when he went out of town. He is 19, but stuck far out from the city. It’s pretty crazy. How can he break free without severing family ties?
Signed,
At A Loss

Dear Loss,

What a scary predicament. Without knowing this boy … does he have friends who can put him up for a little bit? Other family members? Sometimes in life you have to take chances to truly move forward. Your boyfriend may just have to risk loosening up those family ties before they wrap tightly around his neck and suffocate him. If he truly wants to make a change, there are ways to do it. I have had many friends crash on my couch while they got their *beep beep* together. I think it’s time for your boyfriend to pull a Sue Ann Carwell.  When Sue Ann got fed up in 1992 she wrote her song “P.M.S.” P.M.S. stood for “play me serious” and she meant it! Sue Ann wasn’t in the mood for anyone’s “bull … sugar” and your boyfriend shouldn’t be either! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Leah Connolly

NOVEMBER 2008

         

I went on WMNF’s “Sonic Detour” with Flee to promote my new album. As part of the show, people called in to ask Dear Gloffy questions.  In this column I am answering a couple of the questions I didn’t get a chance to answer on air. Enjoy!

Dear Gloffy.
I found women’s clothing in the bottom of my husband’s sock drawer. Should I tell him I found them and risk him knowing I was a snoop? Hell, should I just go out shopping for him and surprise him with a bra?
Signed,
Girl Caught Off Guard

Dear Caught,
In the 1950s society told a woman that her place was in the kitchen. Now in the ’00s, Gloffy is here to tell you that a man’s place is in the lingerie department! Society has a strong expectation of how a man should behave and act. Hell, even in 2008 my gay men are scrambling to prove to each other how “masculine” they are. Everyone needs to stop it! We should all be in touch with our feminine and masculine sides – we are complete beings. I say encourage your man to explore all aspects of himself. He isn’t cheating on you! What’s the harm? This could turn out to be rather fun for both of you if you have an open mind. An old rumor has it that in 1987 Steven Tyler of Aerosmith wrote the classic “Dude (Looks Like A Lady)” about Vince Neil. Maybe it was really written about your boyfriend?

Dear Gloffy,
How would a cougar find a hot young man?
Signed,
WMNF Lovin’ Mama

Dear WMNF,
I’m so thrilled by the whole cougar phenomenon. It’s high time society found beauty in women past their college years. Beware, though! It’s hard to find a good grown man who doesn’t act like a child. If you are looking to spend some time with a guy in his early 20s, be prepared for all the age-appropriate issues that will come with it! All that aside, if you are just looking for a hot time with a young stud, put yourself out there and someone will take the bait. Craigslist it, baby! And if all else fails, I must once again reference my favorite cougar of all time: Madonna. Wouldn’t her new album have been so much more thrilling had she titled it Cougar Anthems? Still, at 50 years old, Madonna claims that “her sugar is raw”.  Please write me back and let me know if you find a young stallion to get a taste of your raw cougar sugar!! –Jeremy Gloff photo by Mimi

DECEMBER 2008

       

Dear Gloffy,
I’ve fallen desperately in love with a guy with a drinking problem. I have the occasional drink … but when we go out together, I end up embarrassed at best or carrying him out of the bar at worst. I talked to him about it and he doesn’t think he has a problem. I don’t want to live without him … but I can’t deny he has a problem.
Signed,
Tired and Sad

Dear Tired,
There’s a certain romance to the addict and his addiction. Perhaps in some circles your boyfriend might be heralded as “rock and roll” for getting carried out of the club by his girlfriend. But long after the romance fades, you will find yourself with a slobbering drunk on your hands. You need to realize that if your boyfriend seriously has a problem, he isn’t going to get better unless he wants to. You can’t fix him. You can’t help him. Unless you want a long and painful future with a Keith Richards prototype, I suggest you get the hell out of dodge.

Dear Gloffy,
I watched one of your videos online and I’m contacting you because I have a similar problem. I have a friend who has a girlfriend that he said he would never cheat on. Via text message me and this friend flirt with each other a lot. Lately we’ve been exchanging naked pictures. I’m not afraid of us being found out … that’s the least of my worries. I’m most afraid of falling for a guy I can’t have. What should I do?
Signed,
Empty Heart, Full Inbox

Dear Empty,
What a horrible thing to do to you! There’s nothing worse than the shopkeeper flashing the merchandise and then saying it’s not for sale. What if you put a can of hairspray in front of Brett Michaels and then said, “uh-uh, hands off!”? What if you put a line of coke in front of Amy Winehouse and said, “oh, sorry honey, that belongs to someone else”? Gloffy has a rule with naked pictures. Don’t show me the brochure unless you’re gonna let me go on the trip. Don’t show me the blueprints unless you are going to let me in the house. And don’t show me the menu unless you are gonna let me enjoy a meal. Stop talking to this guy. He’s leading you on. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Mimi

JANUARY 2009

      

Dear Gloffy,
What if you like someone who’s in a bad relationship? They fight all the time, whatever. I read a punk ‘zine where a guy was describing himself as that. He liked a girl who was dating someone and they were fighting. He described himself as a “relationship vulture” for hanging around hoping they broke up, and called the “relationship vulture” one of the lowest forms of life. I was like, “fuck, I’m a relationship vulture.” What do you think?
Signed,
Feeling Shitty

Dear Feeling Shitty,
They say birds of a feather flock together. That said, if you consider yourself of the “relationship vulture” variety, what kind of birdies do you expect to attract? I am not basing the following advice on studies or facts, merely personal observation. Never in my experience have I watched ANYONE jump from an unhealthy relationship right into a healthy one. Even if one leaves their crappy significant other, they will need time to heal. If you are seriously in the market for damaged goods, I suggest you head over to the Goodwill clearance bin. A ripped shirt is a lot easier to mend than a ripped heart. If only the “Mr Fix It Man” in Teena Marie’s 1983 synth-tastic funk jam “Fix It” was real…

Dearest Gloffy,
I read your blog online I applaud you on getting tested for HIV. Most people in relationships don’t get tested because they ‘trust’ their partner to NOT cheat. One example is the bassist in my boyfriend’s band. I heard he has been cheating on his girlfriend for a month. I also heard the he never uses condoms. Should I say something since I know he isn’t getting tested? [The girlfriend] isn’t really my friend … but for the sake of her health? Gloffy, what would you do?
Signed,
New College Gloffy Fan

Dear New College,
This is a problem with a lot of gray area. I never trust what people say. I tend to keep out of people’s affairs as a general rule because truth always has a way of eventually presenting itself. But I also realize this situation carries a bit more weight. Unless you accumulate some concrete evidence of the bass player’s affair, chances are anything you say will be dismissed. Perhaps you could encourage your boyfriend to get tested and to have him encourage his band to do the same. Remember when Prince first sang about HIV in his 1987 song “Sign O’ The Times? (“In France a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name … “) It breaks my heart that 21 years later, there still is no cure. If anyone needs information about where to get tested, e-mail me and I’ll help you. Please be safe everyone –Jeremy Gloff photo by Kim Hicks

FEBRUARY 2009

       

The time has come to pay tribute to the girls who made Prince’s music good: Wendy and Lisa. These former members of The Revolution now have a gig scoring Heroes. In their spare time they have independently released a new album, White Flags Of Winter Chimneys. More info at wendyandlisa.com. On to the mail:

Dear Gloffy,
Breakups suck. I’ve recently gone through one and I’ve realized something: it’s easy to divide the possessions. It’s easy to find friends who will take your side. I’ve even managed to cut ties with him and to start anew. But who gets the songs in the breakup? There are a few songs I really really love(d), and now that he and I are no longer together, I feel like the songs are his now too, and I hate it! I had no problem getting back my necklace from his house … but how on earth will I ever get The Cure and Jason Mraz back?
Signed,
Without Man or Music

Dear Without Man,
Honey the water is tainted!!! Once a song is possessed by the ghost of a bad relationship there is no way to win the song back! BE CAREFUL WHO YOU SHARE YOUR MUSIC WITH!!! Maybe people think you should wait a few dates before sex. More importantly, WAIT A LOT OF DATES BEFORE YOU SHARE YOUR MUSIC!!! Let’s hope Wendy and Lisa aren’t too invested in the music of MC5. In their song “Salt & Cherries,” Wendy sings of “putting the music of the MC5 on as you’re knocking on my door.” If their night turns out to suck, not only will Wendy lose her lover, she may lose mental ownership of one of her favorite bands!!! Of course, much as new love comes, new songs eventually will come too. Doesn’t that suck though? You will never be able to love The Cure the same way again.

Dear Gloffy,
Here’s one for you. I live with my girlfriend, and over the summer she asked if her distant cousin could move into the spare bedroom in our apartment. I was game – cheaper rent. Unbeknownst to me was the trauma this would cause. Point blank: her cousin’s room smells. I can smell her room all the way at the end of the hallway! Me and my girl kind of laugh about it … but at the end of the day, it’s a bit embarrassing when we have guests over. Not to mention we have to walk by her cousin’s room to get to ours. It’s the chamber of death! Help.
Signed,
Would Almost Rather Pay More Rent

Dear Almost,
Gloffy has smelled it all in his day. Smelly friends. Smelly roommates. Smelly lovers (that’s a story in itself … and it makes me gag just thinking about it, honaaay). Smelling bad is never acceptable. It’s downright rude. Pity that clean people like us get put in the uncomfortable position of making the smelly-kins aware that they are polluting the room. In Wendy and Lisa’s song “Beginning At The End,” Lisa proclaims “until we meet again … I will hold my breath.” As romantic and whimsical as that sounds, perhaps Lisa just got stuck sharing an airplane seat with your girlfriend’s cousin. People seem to always write to me about people who smell bad. Is everyone just dirty these days? –Jeremy Gloff photo courtesy of REAX

MARCH 2009

     

Dear Gloffy,
I need sex. Period. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for three years now and the longer we date, the less we do it. I think I’m going to go crazy!!! Last month we went two whole weeks without any action. Obviously I’m not going to cheat on her, and I can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. How do I get my girl to get in the mood more often?
Signed,
About to Explode

Dear About To Explode,
Oh buddy you are in a pickle … and that pickle has nothing to keep itself busy! Let’s rewind to 1969. Legendary drummer Mick Fleetwood had experienced yet another romantic breakup. Like you, poor Mick had to “do without.” So what does Mick do? Turn to Fleetwood Mac’s Then Play On album, track eight to find out. The lyrics say it all: “Now, I know this guy his name is Mick/Now, he don’t care when he ain’t got no chick/He do the shake, the rattlesnake shake/And jerks away the blues.” If it was good enough for Mick Fleetwood in 1969 it’s good enough for you in 2009!!! Like you said, you can’t cheat, and you can’t force her to get nekkid. To keep yourself from going crazy, you have no choice but to join Mick Fleetwood in the good ol’ “Rattlesnake Shake,” baby.

Dear Gloffy,
As a musician enjoying playing shows, my band has been fortunate enough to aquire a good solid local following. Gainesville is a great place for music. My problem is this – I have to play so many shows with shitty punk bands and I always think their music is crap. I hate that part after shows where the bands all pat each other on the back and say how great everyone was. I have trouble lying but it’s mean to tell someone you think they suck. Advice?
Signed,
Your Band Isn’t Great, Even If I Told You It Was

Dear Your Band,
I feel your pain. No matter what musical genre you are part of, one must find a way to gracefully deal with this. I recall a show a few years back when everyone I played with was atrocious. And after the show was done, the exact thing you described started happening. I couldn’t take it. I grabbed my crew of gays and ran and hid in the car. So instead of dealing with the after-show awkwardness that always ensues, we sat in the car and tried to find all the times Madonna sounded like Cher on her first two albums. You only have two options buddy: become a good liar or run and hide before the other band members can find you. Because in Gloffy’s opinion it’s never right to tell someone you think their music sucks, even if it does in your opinion. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Ian Hensley

APRIL 2009

       

Dear Gloffy,
My friends and I were cruising Craigslist as a joke and we stumbled upon my brother, who is apparently escorting. Seeing my own brother naked wasn’t at the top of my list of things I was in the mood to do that day. So should I confront him?
Signed,
Concerned in Largo

Dear Largo,
Don’t we always want our brothers and sisters to be doctors and lawyers? I suppose if you stretch it, your brother could be “playing doctor” while working at the “firm.” Joking aside, you have a right to be concerned about your brother. Escorting is not only illegal but also dangerous. My advice column is certainly not the forum to debate how one should be allowed to use his or her own body, but it is without question that your concerns are justified. Perhaps it would be best to approach your brother with concern and empathy, but not with judgment. Don’t ask “how could you,” just ask “why.” Perhaps the answer he gives will help you to understand your brother more. At best, he may open up to you, ask you for help, or explain his actions in a way that will at least make you more comfortable with what he is doing. At worst, he might justify his job choice by adapting the epic 1986 Bonnie Tyler cut “Loving You’s A Dirty Job (But Somebody’s Got To Do It)” as his theme song. I hope Bonnie Tyler used condoms.

Dear Gloffy,
We have THAT ONE friend and I don’t know what to do about it. You know the one – the one who NEVER brings food to pot luck dinners! My friends don’t seem to mind much but it drives me crazy. She hasn’t cooked one time and we’ve been doing pot lucks for about four years within my group of friends. She could at least bring some paper towels sometime! I feel I can’t really say anything because none of my other friends really care, and I’ll just end up looking like finicky asshole. Hmm?
Signed,
She’s Eating My Ravioli

Dear Ravioli,
Your friend is a douche. And your friends are enabling her suckiness. If you confront the girl you will look like a jerk. If you get your other friends worked up over the situation then you will look like a troublemaker. How about this: keep going to the parties but stop bringing stuff!!! See how long it takes before people notice! Don’t bring anything but a healthy appetite baby. If it was Jeremy Gloff going to that party, I’d bring my favorite song about food of all time – Yvonne Elliman’s “Casserole Me Over” from her 1975 Food of Love album. Of course you and I both know Yvonne wasn’t REALLY singing about food, was she? Whipped cream, anyone? –Jeremy Gloff photo by Joel Cook

MAY 2009

   

Dear Gloffy,
I have a friend who is going through a rough patch in her life and she constantly moans and groans. It’s come to a point where I don’t want to hang out with her anymore because if I wanted to be a babysitter I’d at least get paid for it. I feel bad because I don’t want to be a bad friend but enough is enough. The crying and tantrums are getting out of hand. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Friend of a friend

Dear Friend,
Hang in there my dear. Sometimes it is a chore being someone’s friend but there must be something redeemable about this person if you’ve developed a friendship. Also remember though, that when you are someone’s friend it’s okay to be honest. If you feel your friend is being excessively whiny and negative, you have a right to tell her so. Don’t drop the friendship, just drop the idea that you can’t tell your friend the truth. If she gets pouty after you are honest with her, at least your time apart will be on account of her actions and not yours. The best ode to friendship was released by Janet Jackson back when she was popular: “Alright.” Take it away Janet: “Friends come and friends may go/My friend, you’re real I know/True self you have shown/You’re alright with me.”

Dear Gloffy,
Recently my ex and I broke up after almost a year of living together. The thing is that since I kicked him out we talk nightly about getting together in the future. As time progressed, I’ve gotten a bit over him, but enjoy knowing that I have him on the back burner. I try to end our “friendship,” but start to feel bad especially after one drunken night I told him that no matter how mean I am to him deep down I still love him. So now being mean won’t drive him away. How do I rid myself of the past and stop breaking his heart time after time? If possible answer my question with the aid of the lyrics of Heart.
Thanks,
Miserable Meanie

Dear Meanie,
You are being naughy naughty! Mixed nuts: delicious. Mixed drinks: tasty. Mixed signals: oh hell no!!! Do yourself and your ex a favor and keep your cell phone under lock and key after you’ve had a few drinks. Relationships are like sex – either you are in or you are out! It goes without saying that halfway in is a waste of time on all accounts. Eventually your ex is going to get fed up with you and you will lose a potential friend. Or even worse, he could show up on your door step singing the meanest song that Heart ever recorded: “If Looks Could Kill”. You’d deserve it! Take it away Anne Wilson: “If looks could kill/You’d be lying on the floor/You’d be begging me please please/Baby don’t hurt me no more.” –Jeremy Gloff photo by Blake Coleman

JUNE 2009

   

Dear Gloffy,
There’s this girl I’ve been hanging out with I kind of have feelings for. She’s really cool and she is open with me how she uses men for money. I buy her dinner once in a while and I know she might be using me a little bit too. But she likes the same music I do and plays the same video games that I do. Do you think it’s bad I still hang out with her even though I might be getting used a little bit? I haven’t met many people like me, and I’d almost rather be used by her than be alone.
Signed,
Confused in Seffner

Dear Confused,
If I’ve said it once (which I have) then I’ve said it 69,000 times. If it’s good enough for Grace Jones, it’s good enough for Jeremy Gloff. And if it’s good enough for Jeremy Gloff, it’s good enough for you Confused in Seffner! On track 3 of Grace Jones’ album NIGHTCLUBBING Grace sings “Now I’m gonna to spread the news/That if it feels this good gettin’ used keep on using me ’til you’ve used me up.” Let’s face it honaaay it’s a lonely world out there. If you are smart enough to realize you are getting used a little, if you are self aware enough to know there’s not many people like you, and if you are having a good time, well why the hell not? I bet Grace Jones always had a good time too. There’s a coke dealer somewhere in the world who can vouch for this I’m sure.

Perhaps at one point you may want to see if this girl still hangs out with you even if you make her pay for her own dinner. But until then…let’s accept that in a way we are ALL using each other for something. You are using her to distract yourself from yourself. And so you can play two player games. So be it.

Dear Gloffy,
I broke up with my boyfriend about three months ago. We cut off connections completely. The problem is he is still friends with my roommate. They hang out occasionally. I recently found out that while I wasn’t home, my ex went into my bedroom and read my entire diary. (Yes I’m one of those old fashioned girls who actually still has a handwritten diary). Needless to say I am furious. I am not writing to you to ask how I should deal with my ex. I hate him. I’ve already told him off. What I want to know is, how do I get my essence back? That diary had everything in it that I’ve never shared with anyone. A piece of my soul was stolen from me. I am at a loss at how to deal with this.
Signed,
My Essence Is Gone

Dear Essence,
I’ve avoided this day for a really really long time. I can’t believe that YOU are going to be the one to make me have to do this. It’s been the inevitable…and I always feared it lurking around the corner. Your letter is going to be the letter that forces me to quote Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love Of All.” I can’t help it. It has to happen.

For the sake of our sanity, we are going to pretend I am quoting the rendition of “The Greatest Love Of All” by Sexual Chocolate from the movie COMING TO AMERICA. But face it honaaay, Whitney IS RIGHT. No matter what a man does to you…degrades you, uses you, lies to you, cheats on you, reads your diary, HE CAN’T TAKE AWAY YOUR DIGNITY. It’s true my dearest, the greatest love of all really IS inside of yourself. REMEMBER THIS. Now let’s have a loud round of applause for Sexual Chocolate please. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Christopher Wharton

JULY 2009

   

A few months ago, a reader wrote and complained about a friend who never brought food to potluck dinners.  My answer to that letter spawned a series of food-related questions (and answers).  Here’s a couple of them for your reading pleasure.

Dear Gloffy,
MY WIFE CHEWS SO LOUD.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I’ve told her it bothers me.  I’ve told her I don’t want to eat near her anymore.  Her slop slop slurp slurp slurp makes me sick.  It’s freaking disgusting.  I threatened to not eat dinner with her anymore, to which she replied that if I don’t eat with her, she is cutting me off in the bedroom.  I told her I’d cut her off if she didn’t start eating more quietly.  She said that is fine by her.  Earplugs and divorce are not options either.  How pathetic is it that Dear Gloffy is my last resort?
Signed,
Big Fan In Tampa

Dear Big Fan,
Here are a few more ideas to sink your wife’s big teeth into:
-Play her Shannon’s 1985 club classic “Stop The Noise;” if that hot jam doesn’t give her the hint, nothing will.
-Turn on the TV during dinner.  Wheel Of Fortune goes great with fried chicken.
-Cut  your ears off.  The Van Gough look is in
-Go celibate.  It’s not that bad.  I can vouch, just ask my cobwebs.
-Quit eating.  Maybe your wife likes the heroin chic look?
-Kill your wife.  Make sure you are in the will.
-Kill yourself.  Grunge is due to make a comeback.

Dear Gloffy,
When I was in haircutting school, my best friend let me try out haircuts on her.  Now this friend is enrolled in culinary school.  She wants me to return the favor and taste-test her creations.  I cannot lie – her cooking is god-awful.  Even a small taste is deadly.  I’ve read your column for a while and you always say honesty is the best way to go.  Please don’t say that I should be honest with my friend; she will be crushed.  She is super sensitive.

Here’s a challenge for you: How do I avoid my friend’s cooking without telling her that it’s bad?
Signed,
Mary

Dear Mary,
It is important to always be prepared in life.  You never show up at a date without condoms, do you?  Well, never hand out with your friend without some strong-ass mints nearby.  Or some gum.  Or some breath spray.  Or some Jeremy Gloff (I’ve been told I’m pretty tasty!)  So, next time you are walking down the street and you tell out “Strawberry! Raspberry! All those good flavors!” it won’t be because you have Cameo’s classic retro-jam “Candy” on your iPod.

It will be preventative maintenance against your friend’s horrid culinary failures. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Linda Ann McNabb

AUGUST 2009

       

Happy summer Reax Readers!  Since Summertime is the time to get hot and sweaty in Florida, here are some quickies for ya!  Make sure to stop by my Open Mic Mondays
at the Ybor Social Club!

Dear Gloffy,
I have a question Gloffy.  Two words: anal warts.  Deal breaker or no?
Signed,
I’m thinking hell no

Dear I’m Thinking Hell No
I have sixteen words for you: Eurythmics 2nd album “Touch” Track Seven.  Lyrics: “Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me ever again”.

Dear Gloffy,
What are your feelings about age differences in relationships?     Hope you have been well!
Signed,
Bill From The Old Days

Dear Bill,
Take my advice and realize that lovers are just like vinyl.  They played great in the 1970s and today they play just as damn good.   Give the old lady a spin just like that dusty old record hiding out in the attic corner.  Give her a chance.  You might like what you hear and feel.  And if the play is too dusty and scratchy, well shit you can always go digital 😉

Dear Gloffy,
My good friend has a serious problem.  Everything is perfect about her boyfriend except he ignores her in favor of playing “World Of Warcraft”.  When he gets sucked in it’s like nothing else in the world exists.  What should she do?
Signed,
Put the joystick down

Dear Joystick,
It’s simple.  Your friend needs to go NKOTB on her boyfriend’s ass.  One loud banging session of their 1991 debacle “No More Games” should get anyone off the gaming system.

Dear Gloffy,
I’m in love with my girlfriend’s best friend.  It’s not that I don’t love my girlfriend, I do.  But I am quickly falling in love with her best friend too.  And to make matters worse, I think she feels it too.  What’s a boy to do?  Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
Signed,
Confused In Love

Dear Confused,
Of course you can love two people you idiot.  The trick is being loyal to the one you’ve made a promise to.  If you cheat on your girlfriend, I assure you you will be haunted by Rik Okasec singing “My girlfriend’s Best Friend” in your ear.  Yes, I realize those weren’t the original lyrics.  As much as you should realize you can’t cheat on your girlfriend with her best friend. –Jeremy Gloff photo by Linda Ann McNabb

SEPTEMBER 2009

 

Dear Reax Readers,
I wrote my first Dear Gloffy column in September 2006.  Since then I have answered seventy letters.

There’s a couple questions I never got to.  A co-worker of mine is frustrated because she doesn’t like the boy her daughter’s dating.  (To which my answer would be let her screw up, she will learn from it.)  Someone from overseas wrote an epic letter asking me to decipher the strange politics of a twisted open relationship.  (To which my answer would be people do whacky things when they are lonely.  Step back and watch with amusement.)

Recently I re-read some of Tori Amos’ “Piece By Piece” book.  In said book Tori talks about how she would never write a book and record an album at the same time again.  In the creative mind different projects and ideas can be roommates with each other.  But the more projects that share breathing space, the less air each project has to breathe.  It was fun being the zany host of different events and solving the world’s problems via the lyrics of obscure pop songs.  But first and foremost I am a musician.  It’s time to get back to the music.

Thank you REAX for letting me write whatever I wanted to write, and to the REAX readers for challenging me to be fresh, interesting, and entertaining.

And on to the next thing…
Jeremy Gloff
www.jeremygloff.com –Jeremy Gloff  photo by Krikor Daglian